Went out and bought myself a decaffeinated coffee table.
With that wording, and his delivery, that version is superior to some that you’ll find online.
This next “joke” is widely attributed to Milton Jones, but I swear I heard it Steven Wright doing it around thirty years ago:
Shortly before he died, my grandmother [pause] smeared my grandfather from head to toe in lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
Again, online versions are less well crafted. I distinctly remember the pause—he’s already got the audience thinking, WTF…
Like Daoist ritual, the texts are very fine on the page, but it’s all about performance. So here are some of his classics:
Inevitable further link: Stewart Lee’s routine on the Sardine joke and joke ownership.