An enigmatic slump

stats

Further to reflections on my, um, global audience, I’m not sure how to interpret this graph of my plummeting viewing stats this last week. It’s not even as if you have to read my posts—just clicking on them would show up on the table.

It could be that you have gone on an early holiday to a remote exotic location blessedly free of internet access—perhaps all of you together (a ridiculously niche 18–30 Club).

Maybe, like me, you are all hooked on the Women’s World Cup and binge-watching Killing Eve.

Or perhaps you have forsworn the internet entirely, exasperated by the relentless online bombardment of evasive mendacious buffoons jockeying to Destroy Civilization As We Know It.

Or it could just be that you are tired of reading about Daoist ritual, the evolution of comedy, the Western craze for Eastern mysticism, and reception history… It will be ironic if more people read this post than those.

Just curious.

Tommy Cooper

TC

Like almost everything else (see e.g. note here), I hardly appreciated the genius of Tommy Cooper at the time. I didn’t quite get the crap magic, all the props… I guess for many of my generation, long before the Alternative scene, standups were rather eclipsed by Monty Python, even when they were subverting the light entertainment format.

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said
“What do you want?”
“I’d like to stay here.”
“OK. Stay there.”

I might link that one to the true touring story of the wake-up call.

I went to the doctor. He said “You’ve got a very serious illness.”
I said “I want a second opinion.”
He said “All right, you’re ugly as well.”

I love this one, though (or perhaps because) it may require a certain,um, historically-aware insider’s cultural knowledge:

A policeman stopped me the other night. He taps on the window of the car and says:
“Would you blow into this bag please Sir.”
I said: “What for, Officer?”
He says: “My chips are too hot.”

This is often attributed to him:

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

but it may be a version of his

“Didn’t see you at camouflage training yesterday, Private.”
“Thankyou, Sir.”

which indeed is the response at the Chinese restaurant to “Waiter, this chicken is rubbery.”

And then there’s

So I went to the dentist.
He said “Say Aaah.”
I said “Why?”
He said “My dog’s died.'”

which reminds me of one that I heard Lee Mack do (cf. here, and here):

“What’s wrong?”
“My dog just died.”
“Aww, I’m sorry—never mind, I’ll get you another one.”
“Don’t be ridiculous—what am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

Jokes like these depend largely on delivery, on persona. No-one is so deadpan as Steven Wright—not so much standup, more internal monologue. Academic lecturers could learn a thing or two from these guys. And for Ken Dodd, regional ethnography, and Xi Jinping, see here.

The art of blurb writing

Cover 18 (back)

Some obligatory phrases from book blurbs, curiously absent from most tomes on Daoist ethnography:

cuts a picaresque swathe

madcap adventures

with hilarious consequences!!!

embarking upon a voyage of discovery

emotional rollercoaster

searing exposé

unflinching

feisty

filigree

vast, sprawling epic

Happily, such clichés have been Laid Bare (oops, there’s another one) in several articles, such as this. And Molvania is jam-packed (packed like jam) with ’em.

For further dubious marketing, see here; and for a series on cliché, start here.

Breaking news

RM

*BREAKING NEWS*
Tory leadership contest

In a bold gambit, Jacob Tree-Frog (aka The Haunted Pencil / Minister for the 18th Century)* has thrown his top-hat into the ring with the yet-unverified claim (delivered in impeccable Latin) that Nanny once gave him a mug of Ribena to snort at a party.

But Boris Piccaninny Watermelon Letterbox Cake Disaster Weightloss Haircut Bullshit Wall-Spaffer Johnson still holds an unassailable lead in the Extra-Curricular Bonking stakes.

See also headlines tag. For bonking in Chinese, see here.

 

* For a glowing endorsement from Rachel Parris, see here.

 

Lyrics for theme tunes

 

A couple of ancient musical jokes—much shared online, but hey:

What does Batman’s mum call out when she wants him to come for his supper?

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!

and

Where does the Pink Panther come from?

Durham (Durham, Durham Durham Durham Durham Durhaaaaaam)

(For UK and US variants, see comments below.)

For a more ambitious word setting for Berlioz’s March to the Scaffold, see here; and for a handy mnemonic for additive metres, here. For tributes to the artistry of theme tunes, see Pearl and Dean, Parks and recreation, Soap.

Big red joke book

Red joke book

Before Hammer and Tickle came

  • Greg Benton and Graham Loomes, Big red joke book (1976).

The jokes come from a wide range of countries, including the USA and Britain, with the Soviet bloc playing a major role. Again there are sadly few from China (see my Chinese jokes tag); still, since it’s not a big book, they might as well have called it The Little red joke book.

We might pair this one with Woody Allen’s Hassidic tales:

“Rabbi,” asks a young Jew, “can you build socialism in one country?”

“You can,” says the rabbi, “but then it’s best to live in another country.”

There are some goodies from the GDR, like

Q. Is it true that Walter Ulbricht collects political jokes?

A. No, but he collects people who tell them.

as well as a version of the Li Peng story I told here, with Ulbricht as the subject.

Here’s another story from Prague (cf. many posts under Czech tag):

A restaurant in Prague started up a strip-tease show. To everyone’s surprise, the public appeared to shun in totally. The Prague authorities, concerned at the loss of takings, summoned the restaurant’s manager and asked him some questions.

“Is there something the matter with the seating arrangements?”

“No”, said the manager, “they’re very comfortable.”

“The lighting?”

“No, the lighting is perfect.”

“In that case, it must have something to do with the women who perform there.”

“Out of the question!” assured the manager. “We hire no-one unless they have been at least thirty years in the Party.”

Of course, many such stories, like folk-songs, travel widely in variant forms.

 

 

 

Köchel numbers

Bluff

Along with 1066 and all that and little-trumpeted works like The ascent of Rum Doodle and Sir Henry at Rawlinson End, another classic from my youth is the slim tome

  • Bluff your way in music (1966).

Tactfully, the name of its author Peter Gammond is not disclosed. By “music” he means WAM, of course—HIP and “world music“, then only in their infancy, are spared, though folk music and jazz get succinct tributes. There is also a drôle Glossary, forerunner to many twee tea-towels—you know the kind of thing, like

  • Chamber music—music written for a very small number of listeners.
  • Development—what composers do with the melody in order to make a composition of decent length.
  • Exposition—the popular bit of a composition while the tune is still being played [see also Francis Baines‘s definition of sonata form].
  • Harmony—a term of no meaning whatsoever. Such phrases as “rich harmony”, “stark harmony”, “satisfying harmony” can be used indiscriminately.
  • Mode—scales which sound a bit odd.
  • Portamento—the ability to move from a wrong note to a right one without anyone noticing the original mistake.
  • Recitative—when an opera singer forgets the tune.

But my enduring memory of the book is:

Mozart had the distinction, as everyone knows, of writing Koechels instead of Opuses, a thing no other composer has done before or since. Mozart’s great popularity dates from the fact that this absorbing fact was discovered, by some strange coincidence, by a man called Koechel.