Palaver, Kerfuffle, and Faff

Palaver
Source.

One of the unsettling things about getting old is that I find myself using antiquated expressions that I always disdained, such as

“Well, this is a bit of a palaver…”

With that classic understatement of the English, the ideal context is when serious calamity strikes, such as when quelling a mutiny of the restless natives [As one doesEd.]. Sure enough (cf. Tickety-boo), its etymology goes back to colonialism. Used in English since the early 18th century,

palaver, “profuse and idle talk; chatter”, comes from Portuguese palavra “word, talk, speech” by way of sailors’ slang. Portuguese was commonly used as a trading language on the West African coast, and palaver came into English first in the sense “a parley or conference, typically between Europeans and the Indigenous people of a region, especially in West Africa”.

One gathers that such discussions were not entirely on equal terms…  The same source goes on:

Portuguese palavra and its Castilian counterpart palabra come from Latin parabola “comparison, explanatory illustration”, and in Late Latin (and especially in Christian Latin), “allegorical story, parable, proverb”.

And it elaborates on a widespread phenomenon:

Metathesis, the transposition of consonants, is common in Spanish and Portuguese: the syncopated form parabla (from parabola) becomes palavra in Portuguese and palabra in Spanish, just as Latin mirāculum “miracle” becomes milagro in Spanish and milagre in Portuguese.

The wiki entry on metathesis gives instances from a wide range of languages including Amharic, Azerbaijani, Kurdish, Finnish, Hungarian, Navajo, Turkish—and English.

It’s just as mystifying to suddenly hear oneself using the word kerfuffle,

early 19th century: perhaps from Scots curfuffle (probably from Scottish Gaelic car “twist, bend” + imitative Scots fuffle “to disorder”), or related to Irish cior thual “confusion, disorder”.

Like Ogonek and Til, Palaver and Kerfuffle could be another “feisty yet flawed” pair of detectives.

I can’t see that kerfuffle is related to faff, another word I’ve weirdly adopted—not so much in the sense of “faffing around” as in “this is a bit of a faff”. Again, its etymology is interesting:

late 18th century (originally dialect in the sense “blow in puffs”, describing the wind): imitative. The current sense may have been influenced by dialect faffle “stammer, stutter”, later “flap in the wind”, which came to mean “fuss, dither” at about the same time as faff (late 19th century).

The stammering connection may now establish “faff” even more f-f-firmly in my vocabulary. I surmise that the emergence of such words denotes the transition from an adventurous, carefree youth to the desire for a tranquil life unruffled (unfaffled?) by the sundry ordeals of old age (passwords, call centres, stairs…).

So now we have Palaver, Kerfuffle, and Faff—a firm of solicitors. Colloquially abbreviated to Falafel.

* * *

For the “exploits” of early colonialists, see Vermeer’s hat; do read Sitting Bull’s rebuke to the invaders in n. 1 of The Ghost Dance; and for more dabblings in Portuguese, click here. I am now in the habit of referring to “hideous encounters with domestic necessity” as “marmalade”, after Compton Mackenzie’s beautiful talk about his meeting with Henry James.

Dabbling in Turkish

Turkish cover

In some European countries, armed with a mere smattering of French, German, Italian, and dimly-recalled Latin, one can take a rough guess at the odd word of Foreign; it doesn’t get you far, but it’s ever so slightly reassuring (cf. my Portuguese dream). But as I spend ever more time in Istanbul, though cosseted by wonderful multi-lingual friends, on the rare occasions when I have to fend for myself, though coming across the occasional French loanword (ekip, garson), it’s good to find that English doesn’t butter any parsnips—and that globalization isn’t quite as, um, global as we may imagine.

So I’m eventually beginning to realise (Hello?) that I really should make a bit of an effort to augment my tiny, eccentric Turkish vocabulary, consisting merely of a few niche nouns like “shawm”, “recluse”, and “call to prayer”. As an entertainer I’m now scoring a certain success with Türkçe konuşmuyorum (“I don’t speak Turkish”)—a phrase that my rubbish pronunciation renders most convincing. In one online tutorial that I consult I’m fond of the rubric “Var and Yok (Existence)”—deep, eh. It also has the worrying phrase

Sen doktor değil misin?
Are you not a doctor?

—cf. this suggestive scenario in my old German phrasebook:

The chambermaid never comes when I ring
[…]
Are you the chambermaid?

Google Translate is a miracle, whether for texting or voice messaging—the latter a real blessing for illiterate Anatolian (or Chinese) peasants, though it still hasn’t quite got the hang of my stammer (kekelemek)… When using it, I like to mouth the words with comic ineptitude while the recording plays, awaiting the reaction of my victims audience with a certain trepidation—which reminds me of yet another Monty Python sketch:

Words are all very well, but the wonderful world of Turkish grammar, with its vowel harmony and zany agglutinative suffixes (düşünemedim, “I was unable to think”, Evinizdeyim “I am at your house”), having seemed utterly impenetrable, is slowly becoming a system that I can just about imagine younger people acquiring, with more free space on their mental hard drives.

For more on language learning, see this roundup—the post of choice always being That is the snake that bit my foot. See also my two contrasting experiences in China. As to dabbling, click here for Alan Bennett’s consternation at being told “I see you dabble in playwriting”.

Ripples

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheelNever ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel […]
Or the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream […]
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

The windmills of your mind.

I’m both amused and bemused when readers of my posts react to the myriad highlighted links with a certain alarm at finding themselves pursuing my arcane thought-processes down the rabbit-warren that this blog has become (e.g. in my annual roundups, “like a suburban Sisyphus doing and undoing a jigsaw”).

The links are of two kinds: to articles, websites, or pdfs by other authors, and to other posts on this site. They are rarely a red herring, or a wild goose chase—honest guv. While the Plain People of Ireland are quite entitled to their dismay, the consternation of erudite academics seems curious, when they are used to taking in their stride in-text references and ponderous Teutonic footnotes (like de Selby in The third policeman)—keen to consult a reference to Karlgren’s Grammata Serica Recensa which in turn will lead them to early Sogdian manuscripts and thence to medieval viniculture… Only you no longer have to spend a day consulting index cards in a library. And I like to think that I’m performing a public service by distracting such scholars for a moment from their niche focus on Song-dynasty Daoist ritual texts or baroque performance practice—whether by broadening the scope of enquiry or by being reminded of an apposite joke (see e.g. my taxonomy of Chinese jokes, under The joys of indexing). And (suitably equipped with a long ball of string) you can always find your way back to where you started.

Sir, you try my patience!
I don’t mind if I do—you must come over and try mine sometime.

— Groucho.

Even those less obsessively monocultural readers must be used to consulting websites full of links to related topics—like when an online article about the latest pompous idiocies of The Haunted Pencil leads you to other iniquities of the Tory “government”. Perhaps part of the challenge of my personal labyrinth is that its associations are so diverse, keeping you guessing. But that’s Like Life, innit?!

Oops, I seem to have done it again here… Please excuse me! But anyway, my Word Press stats suggest that remarkably few readers ever click on the links (even within roundups, or playlists such as this, where not doing so is like consulting a library catalogue but not looking at any of the books)—which causes me a certain distress 😟 (see The art of emoji)… Go on, give it a whirl!

Rugby balls and violin strings

rugby ball
Source.

Glued to the Six Nations rugby, I’m wondering if negotiating the shape of the ball, * with its unpredictable bounce, might be compared to going on stage with a violin whose strings never stay in tune—like playing baroque violin in an overheated concert hall (he said with feeling—see The Mary Celeste).

On the plus side, concerts are less muddy, with fewer injuries, and you don’t get sent off so often. As to referees (Confucius), musos’ attitude to conductors is more like that of footballers than rugby players.

Dali
Salvador Dali, The persistence of memory (1931).

Such a degree of unpredictability is rarely built into the design of the game—as if tennis rackets were crafted from blancmange. Nor did elliptical balls catch on with other sports, like snooker. To cast the net wider, it’s like a steering wheel that offers few clues to the direction of the car, or a novel whose pages the publisher prints in a random order.

This is part of mini-series on rugby under A sporting medley: ritual and gender, featuring the haka and some arcane rules. For more on the perils of tuning in Western Art Music, see under Hugh Maguire, and Muso speak: excuses and bravado (“It was in tune when I bought it”). More unlikely inventions here.


* Apart from unseemly anatomical explanations involving the shape of the pig’s bladder, and posh public-school twats, some suggest that it’s harder to dribble with the feet as in football, and that the oval ball is easier to carry with one arm, leaving the other arm free to push adversaries away—reminding me of the shakuhachi flute as potential weapon (komusō monks rebuked for “meddling in earthly affairs and not the emptiness of being”).

Old and new musics

More on taxonomy

new music

I may seem like a fully-paid-up member of the Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati, but the Guardian‘s end-of-year cultural lists can be mystifying, serving largely to enhance my sense of becoming an Old Fogey (cf. Staving off old age).

Now, I’m all for the demotion of the hegemony of WAM, whose claim to a fictive prestige has long been obsolete (note also What is serious music?!, Is Western Art Music superior?, Just remind me again, what is music?!, and Feminine endings). Sure, the Guardian does give “classical” a look-in (here, and here). But I can’t help being amused by the niche sense of “old music” in this roundup—there I was, expecting a roundup of medieval ballads, Tallis, or dhrupad

Discuss, with reference to a cab driver’s interpretation of “early music” and the oeuvre of Bruno Nettl.

old music
Old music, allegedly.

stile nuono
New musics, Caccini 1601. Source.

As to “new music” (an article with the peak Guardian comment “it’s been an incredible year for Brazilian baile funk”), WTAF?! For me, still catching up on the stile nuovo (n.1 here), even an end-of-year playlist for 1707 (Bach, Handel) would be rather modern—and how about the New Music of the Tang dynasty, eh, with Sogdian dance grooves All the Rage through the reign of Xuanzong. Take THAT, Guardian!

global

And then The best songs of 2023 … you may not have heard (How did they guess?). The Guardian concept of “folk” seems a tad limited; and the jazz list for 2023 reminds me how paltry are my attempts at educating myself. Or we can try the Songlines-esque “best global albums”—sure, all this partly revolves around the concept of “album”, not uppermost in the minds of Moroccan herders on the way to an ahouach festivity. OK, I’m just ranting against commercial hype.

Don’t get Me Wrong, I do Delight in all Manifestations of the Terpsichorean Muse—it’s just that I’m ever more aware of being excluded from a lot of them.

Among my Mélange of playlists (raga, Chinese, jazz, Mahler, flamenco, and so on), there’s no beating my Playlist of songs, old and newish—not even quite as ethnic as it could be… Also delightful is A playlist for Emma and Leylah.

Some global idioms

Sharp cover

A gentle Guardian Christmas quiz is based on Adam Sharp’s new book The wheel Is spinning but the hamster Is dead (2023), which we should all Rush Out and Buy (for his nobler purpose, see here).

It’s a delightful parade of “idioms, proverbs, and general nonsense” * from around the world, engagingly grouped in the form of lists. As a taster, just a few idioms that float my boat:

An Irish proverb:

Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot.

A charming German alternative for OMG:

I think my hamster is waxing the floor!

A Polish expression for something that makes no sense:

This is a Czech movie. (Cf. the Czech definition of a Hungarian)

Among Turkish idioms for “once upon a time” (cf. wiki):

When camels were town criers and fleas were barbers.

Irish expression for laziness:

As idle as a piper’s little finger. (For Irish pipers, see under Women in early Irish music.)

Croatian metal band (cf. Croatian punk):

Teddy Bear Autopsy.

In Danish, when something is not your cup of tea:

It doesn’t hoe my potatoes (fallen out of fashion, to Sharp’s chagrin).

BTW, “the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead” is Swedish— hjulet snurrar men hamstern är död.

Cf. Buttering parsnips, and (under Language learning: a roundup), A thingamabob about whatchamacallit.


* As you see, I can never resist adding the Oxford comma

Buttering parsnips

with a note on the syntax of yore

Parsnips
Source.

Plucking the winds, my ethnography of Gaoluo village and its ritual association, chronicles vicissitudes in the peasants’ lives. At the end of chapter 6 (“Turmoil and tedium”, on the Cultural Revolution) I reflected on how our paths coincided:

Over the other side of the world, in total contrast to their experiences, I took my first steps on my own Long March (more like a Leisurely Stroll) to Chinese musicians and Gaoluo, absorbing enough hippy influence to become “hooked” (shangyin, as the Gaoluo musicians say) on Zen, and thence also on Daoism, Tang poetry, and all the rest. In 1972 Nixon went to see Mao in China, visiting the Great Wall, where he sagely observed, “It’s a great wall”. That same year I started studying Chinese at university; the following year the London Philharmonic Orchestra performed in China. None of this buttered any parsnips in Gaoluo.

I suppose some international, and younger, readers may wonder WTF parsnips are, and why ever anyone might want to butter them. I must have heard the expression in my youth, but I don’t know how I later became so partial to it.

“Faire words butter noe parsnips” is attested from 1639, in the days when the potato was only just becoming a staple (and when spelyng was a Free Countrie—another liberation promised by Brexit?). This site also adduces John Taylor’s Epigrammes (1651):

Words are but wind that do from men proceed;
None but Chamelions on bare Air can feed;
Great men [sic] large hopeful promises may utter;
But words did never Fish or Parsnips butter.

On whose syntax I might comment:

Poets of Yore o’er verb–object inversion may splutter—
An order consigned by Latter Epochs to ye gutter
He who reverses them is clearly a Nutter—
Yet grammarians ne’er a Cavylle do mutter.

OK, I do get it, really—it’s history, innit… 

Cf. Some global idioms.

As to my own culinary habits, I tend to roast parboiled parsnips and potatoes, with shallots, all basted in oil (not butter) and lashings * of spicy Turkish orta. For more cuisine, with links, click here—including the late great Ciaran Carson’s paean to the fry-up and the music of time.


* Here I was boldly seeking another role for “lashings” beyond what I supposed was its traditional duty as measure-word for ginger beer; but in fact, as posts like this explain, it wasn’t Enid Blyton who bound the two together—it seems to have taken hold in our imaginations only since the Comic Strip’s Five go mad in Dorset. This kind of thing happens a lot: see e.g. What’s the craic?.

Roundup for 2023!

As I reflected in last year’s roundup,

like a suburban Sisyphus doing and undoing a jigsaw, having gone to great lengths to mix up the daily sequence of my diverse topics in a stimulating fashion, it’s that time of year when I try and reassemble them into some kind of thematic order.

In order for this exercise to be worthwhile, you’ll have to click on the links! Ideally, spread the word by reposting on one of those “Social Media” Thingies They Have Nowadays… Even if you only read a dozen of these posts, then my labours will not have been in vain!

I’m going to adopt Stella Gibbons’ drôle device in Cold Comfort Farm, drawing attention with *** to passages (mostly posts, in this case—indeed, the book’s protagonist is Flora Poste) Not To Be Missed. And this list isn’t even exhaustive—the committed masochist can consult the monthly archive in the sidebar, scrolling waaay down.

I’ll begin with Nicolas Robertson, who alas joined the Heavenly Choir in November (see my tribute). His extraordinary anagram tales (introduced and listed here***), a kind of fantasy Esperanto fiction, are among the highlights of this blog, and in further tribute to his brilliant mind I have recently added two more:

So here are listings under some main themes (many, of course, belong under several themes, which is the point of giving them categories and tags, listed in the sidebar):

China (culture and ritual, Maoism and politics):

East Asia, other:

This year’s additions to my education in Tibetan and Uyghur cultures:

Turkey and West/Central Asia (see roundup):

Modern Europe:

Ethnomusicology and world music:

Jazz (see roundup***):

Pop:

Western Art Music:

Sport (see roundup):

Film/TV:

Loft best new

Arising from the transformation of my home:

Other:

For roundups of previous years’ musings, see 2018201920202021, 2022. And here’s a roundup of roundups! The homepage is always useful for navigation.

And it’s always worth reminding you to watch my portrait film***
on the Li family Daoists,
 raison-d-être of this whole blog!

Guest post: Salzburg

by Nicolas Robertson

For links to the complete anagram series, click here.

Prelude—SJ
Since Nick has Ascended to the Great Pinball Table in the Sky, I’ve found two more of his mind-blowing anagram tales. Alceste, which I posted recently, is relatively economical; this one—among stiff competition—is surely his most virtuosic, fantastical (and lengthy) creation. Even the introduction is highly challenging, before we reach the “story” and the final gnomic anagram tale itself. In the absence of Nick’s eagle eye, formatting his text has also been a severe challenge.

Nick’s penchant for tombstones as a medium to connect with the spirits of the past, especially evident here, now seems all the more poignant.

* * *

SALZBURG

Leonore, first version of opera by Beethoven, 1805; shelved and reworked in 1814 as Fidelio.

Fidelio was one act shorter with reordered music; and had a brand new overture. Beethoven commented “almost no musical piece remained the same, and more than half of the opera had been completely reworked”—a description I’ve attempted to reflect.

Staged performances by soloists, Monteverdi Choir and Orchestre Révolutionnaire et Romantique, directed by John Eliot Gardiner, including at Salzburg Festival 1996. Archiv recording, issued 1997.

An introduction, the “story”, and lastly the anagrams themselves, of Beethovens “Leonore” followed by Beethovens “Fidelio”.

[Elements written recently—between 2017 and 2020—principally the “apparatus”, are set in blue to distinguish them from the original 1996 text, augmented in 2012. There are three textual notes, marked in red. Photos were taken later, in 2012 and 2014—one did not have phones with cameras in 1996.]

______________________________________________________________________________

“I hope we English will long maintain our ‘grand talent’ pour le silence”
—Thomas Carlyle, “On Heroes and Hero-Worship”, vi.

Salzburg, summer, Festival and Festung. By day, monsoons and the heavy sun of Mitteleuropa; fading into night, a great still, bulging moon, hanging like a distant punchball, haunting the baroque fountains of a city with too much to remember. Here, one dreams—and sings—of escape: Mozart, from Archbishop Colloredo; Florestan, from prison, and Leonore from half-life to bliss.

Perhaps it was no more than normal for the times, but I could not but be torn by the silent witness of those who escaped far too soon, from a world which had hardly begun to hold out its arms to them. St Sebastian’s Friedhof is a lovely shaded cemetery in a cloister on the other side of the Salzach, and just look what memories call to us from it: of Constanze Weber, Mozart’s wife, yes, and his father Leopold too, but also of the great-grandchildren (I surmise) of stone-cutting master Johann Doppler:

Maria and Anna, born 2 November 1859, died 23 November and 4 December 1860; Otto, 17 February 1868–30 January 1870, and Rudolf, 13 April 1865–5 February 1870 (Johann could have had the melancholy task of engraving their stones, had he not died, aged 45, in 1838). And look, too, Therese Patera, b.1859, d.1861, “geliebtes Kindlein”,

3

and, without even such ado, “Egbert Almeric Henry-Henry / born Feb 22 1859 / died March 22 1859” (the stone, high up and reticent, is inscribed, without any other words than these, in English).

4

What was happening in Salzburg in the mid-19th century? Paracelsus, buried in the same St Sebastian’s church in 1541, would have plunged in, reckless of his own health, to fortify the unprotected, even though he well knew that

All, what is, lives.
Nothing is annihilabl,
even Mouldering is transition to new life.

5

(Tomb of Dominic Oberlechner, d.1821 aged 23, St Peter’s Friedhof, Salzburg—and in English, though you will find a similar text on the same monument in German, French, Latin, and Greek…)

6

This has, to me, a profound assonance with these words of Claude Lévi-Strauss (as quoted by Douglas Hyde, and printed in the latter’s Guardian obituary, where I read them on the day I wrote this, 22 September 1996):

“Nothing is settled; everything can still be altered. What was done but turned out wrong can be done again. The Golden Age, which blind superstition had placed behind (or ahead of) us is in us.” [1]

[1] “Si les hommes ne sont jamais attaqués qu’à une besogne, qui est de faire une société vivable, les forces qui ont animés nos lointains ancêtres sont aussi présentes en nous. Rien n’est joué; nous pouvons tout reprendre. Ce qui fut fait et manqué peut être refait: «L’âge d’or qu’une aveugle superstition avait placé derrière (ou devant) nous, est en nous.» I’m not sure from where Lévi-Strauss is quoting (Rousseau?); the whole passage in context is cumulatively inspiring. [Tristes Tropiques, 1955, p.471.] The English version above is as used for the epigraph to Alexander Cockburn’s book of essays The Golden Age Is In Us (1995).]

What is this but the quiet request of the Zen master, Hōgen Daidō: “Why not here? Why not now?”, which translated into the high art terms of the western world would find its parallel in the manifesto of Hölderlin quoted by Geoff Boycott later in this story. But, though I happen to be writing these last (preliminary) words in Japan, I find it more appropriate to round the little life of this squib with the Biblical version of that long sleep which was written on the very slab of Johann Doppler (Steinmetzer, der unvergesslicher Gatte)’s descendants; for it’s worth knowing where we came from, even if we don’t know where we’re going (an apothegm which could well apply to this whole anagram lark):

“Der Herr hat sie gegeben, der Herr hat sie genomen,
der Name des Herrn sei gebenedeit!
Wie es dem Herrn gefallenhat, alsoistesgeschehen.” (Job 1.21.)

* * *

There’s a more dynamic, equally important, side to this theme, though:
 “Soltai os encarcerados!” (“Let loose the prisoners!”)—when Lídia (die ferne Geliebte) sang these words of Gil Vicente in the tiny eponymous theatre in Cascais in 1969, she was banned, along with the play (“Um Breve Somário da História de Deus”) and the recording made of the songs, by Salazar’s nervous jackboots. But now we’re in the realm of heroes (and heroines, I prefer not to draw the distinction, after all Hero was—is—a girl’s name): the world of Carlyle, of Nietzsche’s Übermensch—not remotely, let us be clear, to be equated with the dummkopf Siegfried whose only quality is that he is “freer than the god”: Nietzsche, and his superman, win their status by thought—as well as, rather engagingly, superior nutrition. (Paracelsus to a T.) *

* [What do I make of the fact that in Salzburg I am staying in the outreach of Himmelreich?—is this not Paracelsus?—whose given names are, Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim. What a place to site an airport… “Ich fühle Luft von anderen Planeten”—so wrote Stefan George, Rosicrucian, Paracelsan poet; another Stefan, Zweig, author of Beware of Pity (thank you to the one who lent me this book those years ago, a lucid notion on her part) eviscerated the Hapsburg heritage, counted the human cost of the dereliction immanent in those huge Tartar plains, and has a -Weg named after him, directly overlooking St Sebastian’s Friedhof, on the Kapuzinerberg where he lived.

7The bust, now, to be found at the airport, of Christian Andreas Doppler (can I guess him to be a relative of Johann?—I haven’t been able to do all the necessary research, there must be allowed some holes, to breathe through)—born within metres of Mozart’s Wohnhaus, in 1803, died in Venice fifty years later—is cast however in bronze, not the familiar stone. Furthermore his phenomenal description, known to the English as the “Doppler Effect”, is here called “Doppler-Prinzip”. Cause and effect are not as automatic a sequence as we’d like to think. Cause and effect (I descend from A440 to A430 as the repeating sound waves lengthen) are not as automatic a sequence as we think we’d like… as likeable a sequence as we automatically think…]

I was talking about heroes, heroics. Napoleon was once a hero to Beethoven, until he declared himself Emperor and had to be scratched from the title page of the Eroica—written at the same sort of time as Leonore. It’s maybe not so curious, then, to find echoes of this preoccupation with great men (and women) amongst the jumble of possibilities offered by a shake-up of Beethoven’s Leonore and Beethoven’s Fidelio (to be roughly precise, 230 shake-ups, Fidelio having the tiny edge). Less to be expected, though logical enough if you care to dwell on it, is that one should begin in an atmosphere half-Carlyle (“The Hero can be Poet, Prophet, King, Priest or what you will, according to the kind of world he finds himself born into”—Heroes and Hero-Worship, iii.) and half-Kipling. I append, first, a “translation” (one of finitely many possible) of the jumbly text, and, last, the (re)strained artefact itself.

I owe thanks, indirectly to Nicholas McNair and John Eliot Gardiner (who laid on the raw material), directly to Charles Pott, consistent finder of most of the best individual anagrams (including the title), and essentially to Louis d’Antin van Rooten, author of Mots d’heures, gousses, rames, to Georges Perec, of course, and to those—or the One—responsible for Himmelreich.

Finally, for any who wonder if I shouldn’t indicate the point where “Leonore” anagrams give way to “Fidelio”—I draw the line at that.

____________________________________________________

O BENEVOLENT HEROES

Stalky & Co. M‘Turk, perhaps, is sounding forth about national values, and after teasing poor Beetle pours derision (in his Irish accent) on the Corsican stomach-marcher. Shoving the hapless Beetle forward, he suggests that a music-loving Roman emperor would draw the line at fellow Italian modernists: too subversive, and what’s more unacquainted with Nordic countries.

The same, apparently, could be said for the gifted, unhappy rulers of Ferrara, not least the lovely one who became married to Gesualdo. The only thing to do is concentrate on the job in hand, whittle a snowy-weather vacuum-cleaner which runs on glue. Tony Benn, who’s certainly not to be likened, in his loose diction, to C.S. Lewis’s wonderful talking horse, boy do you stir things up:
“The only pershon to be compawed to Newo ish Beethoven!”
He’s not listened to: there’s more urgent matter. The very vacuum-cleaner’s been nicked: I don’t believe it, I retreat into my shack (the super cabana I staked out myself) and weep.

A multi-national cricket (hockey? football?) competition is a severe rival to track athletics, especially when the star Kenyan’s injured his foot. He goes so far as to contemplate suicide, in Grecian mode, but Helen, dear reposeful one, rules this out, on pain of calling off her Anglo-Saxon lessons. This threat is not esteemed by a couple of more-or-less heavyweight members of the ecclesiastical hierarchy, who call upon a patriarch for help, but it’s left up to the Stage Manager, [2] alert, honourable, to pace around scenting trouble and sorting it out. When I say “pace”, I properly mean “jet”: he checks out Lancashire, the Home Counties, young navvies in south-east Asia, Italy, Africa… where an Afrikaner, salivating with envy, asks if he’s stayed in an Ibis hotel. Of course he has—but not in Egypt, probably only on the outskirts of a French provincial capital.

[2] The Monteverdi stage manager at this time was Noel Mann (see * below).

The African connection turns up a more sinister figure: a Ugandan dictator, whose hurly-burly discourse bears nasty connotations of genocide (though pertinently pointing out that Beethoven’s heroine is not in fact Italian), hardly mitigated by attempts at Shakespeare. His interlocutors, perhaps maliciously taunting him with the Othello role he’d have loved, callously ditch him when another mountainous actor drops by. Trans-sexual badinage involving Spartan slavery and a voracious Russian threatens mayhem; but you only need to regard one bordel, one low-cut tee-shirt, to see that eroticism and spiritual affection aren’t remotely separate—they’re the same thing, whether in English or ancient Greek!

* * *

Behold an oboist at rest: except he never is, worrying about his reeds, his obbligato, the last to be heard still practicing in his hotel room before the bus leaves [this passage is inexplicably interspersed with culinary quotidia, as well as uncalled-for speculation on intra-musical relationships]; opining on tempi in what passes for early music nowadays, multiple instrument-making by an eccentric on the South Coast. Lazily he exhorts Sven (who will reappear) to rock on, man (though mistrusting the quality of his sound system, which appears antiquated), calls on my brother to drink to Robert Burt’s exhilarating song to freedom—and, to placate the authorities, ends up paying homage to the author of “La Disparition”, where no “e” is used, proposing a variety of fun lipograms, including “o” and “c”, all of which are turned down, most forcibly by an American law-enforcement agency:
“You can’t trust your alumni, dammit, they can’t spell and they cover up their sloth by using the duplicating machine.”

A Belgian woman, her accent influenced by long residence in the southern hemisphere, says Davie [3] —a friend of hers—gets very upset by not being able to use another vowel, but reckons he’s nothing better than a golfer who can’t complete a round, having played the first 7/18 of the course like an automaton.

The Ryder Cup captain, recalling unexpected speculation on waterbirds, agrees. So much for Divie.

[3] See n.9 and ** in second part, amongst the anagrams.

* * *

Less is known than should be, perhaps, about the Gothic king who was born an Australian woman, descended from the celebrated gin family: who despite his/her facility for dismembering Celtic émigrés gained a reputation as a good man (/woman). Thus do sanguinary impulses and high culture go hand in hand; even the most austere of Japanese art-forms is welcomed.

Yet the threat of plague hangs over his house. Bovine spongiform encephaly has been identified in one of his pet hares—surely it can’t have reached Cornwall? A jumble of thoughts whirls around Otho’s brain, thus:
“Get rid of that rodent Sussexman [4] on TV, he must of done it, I’ll make the old retainer sort him out. Or… was it an insect bite in Nevada? or the early closing times in Rostock? One’s friends’ girlfriends? Disappointment on Merseyside? Devil take it, even the best come to grief. Ooh…” (here a lateral thought carves a wolfish smile across his/her care-worn features) “Game, eh? Well, if not hare, then hoopoe? three poussins? tandoori venison?… oh, praise my Yugoslav aide’s heavenly logic! We dream of Eden, where the classics are easily available in authoritative parallel texts, and great Venetian painters’ (yes, including the one who did St Antony preaching to the fish) works can be enjoyed inalienably, without fear of predatory preemptions by the Getty Museum.” It’s an honourable vision.

[4] Noel Osborne, distinguished Chichester publisher, bass singer and Cathedral volunteer (see n.10, among the anagrams)

* * *

 “Is it really you?” Eve gasped.
“It is,” Noel replied, “but do you mind if I call you Joyce? You’ve come to my help at such moments of need, as he did.”
“Then – let me call you Dedalus! You’re so good to cyclostomes out in Dublin Bay, and you single-handedly keep the bar running. I’m only sorry you haven’t persuaded them to do dawn sugar-cups.”
“You’re not telling me – oh, that cupbearer, ye Gods! She’s Greek, you see, she doesn’t seem to understand what I say. But – don’t take it into your own hands – ” Too late. Eve flung her bouquet of roses at Noel’s face, and, missing him, caught Liz, standing isolated apart, snagging her shirt.
“Eve, don’t!” she cried, “these chapel flowers ruin my outfit!” And it’s ruined alright.
“Yes, Eve, it’s all very well…”
Ethel broke in adventitiously, “ ’Ere, I do think Noelene idealises Noel, don’t you?” But Noel, intent on Eve, and spotting that the sun was over the yard-arm, offered her crustaceans; and, giggling, she was his.

* * *

I wish it weren’t the case that traditional Japanese theatre left even distinguished bass singers cold. But, mi love, don’t take it as a slur on west country mores, for there’s more at stake than you think – I speak now für Elise

______________________* * ______________________

It’s Elise who enters, but she stands for all Beethoven’s unrealisable loved ones, poetesses, countesses, nephews, ideals, half-perceived splendours, renunciations… Elise has the dubious advantage of being here, in the flesh; knowing herself to be paradise personified…

Well, she lived dangerously, while he never risked enough. Was the din of the spheres sufficient compensation for his half-hearted amorousness? First, let’s consider the problem of right and wrong. The latter: Satan, yes, and wretched diseases like Aids (it has been suggested that a hot mustard bath might help); Satan’s hand is seen too in the beef crisis—but I resist, I’m determined to keep on eating meat, be it only well-hung vermin.

Ben asked if I didn’t know a thing or two about fish, as a matter of fact. This is mere provocation. I refuse to plump for one side or the other, between the totems of sky and earth, land and water; I prefer like Jonah to rest my weary head under a grape trellis.

There’s always going to be men who’ll interfere with even this harmless pleasure, who’ll shred the arbour rather than let someone else enjoy it—yet still a dove could fly with an olive leaf in its beak, to find resting place on a sedged nest cocooned by bees. And in the course of time, this first testimony of freedom from the vengeful god expanded. The hive’s roof became covered with ornament; people worked at the reclaimed soil, patiently levelling out the acres granted them, they took the fruit of the olive trees and stoned them, in generations to come they drew out the sting from angry films made by their own offspring. These sturdy, self-reliant people, they thought little of Wall Street reports, they’d be happy that their already pregnant daughters show themselves in public, and would contentedly wear galoshes because they make sense. The marsh folk.

Quite a different world was inhabited by E. Nesbit, author of Five children and it. Lewisham was her background, the bricky parapets of bourgeois southeast London, its gardens full of buddleia run to seed, rudely kempt hortensias amidst sandpits of nettles. But she escaped, at least once, to one of the best hotels in Venice, in search of some clarity of mind. “ ‘Keep apart’, I told myself,” (she wrote) “ ‘if not, you’ll go mad. Could I have joined in union with the Irishman? Would my faith bear it?’ ” Then, there was the cost of the abysmal accommodation, serried ranks like cows. And yet – she knew of a phoenix, she knew of a miraculously-transforming Psammead, she knew of many things…
Allow me a reflection on hotels. “Old Faithful’s Guide” says you can eat well in one upmarket continental chain. Pity me! if that’s the case my public school was a sheep’s bedroom. I ran, when I saw that silky red sheen on the veal—a sure sign of putrefaction, cancel that meat INSTANTER. There’s always wholemeal bread. Just watch the film German TV made about the state of cows’ meat!

Some food, I’m glad to say, is not only healthy but also delectable. Amongst such I include Simon Davies’ buckwheat dropscones, piled up with raw onion, sour cream and caviar. Theo tried this recipe on Eve, as a way of persuading her to drop her silly eating restrictions, not least her refusal to contemplate pied de cochon—Valéry Giscard d’Estaing’s favourite dish, after all.
But Steven has opinions about French public figures. He accuses the incumbent of unnatural toilet practices, as well as political immaturity –
“Look at your enemy: don’t do what he does!” But falling into the same error, he invokes an early historian of western Christianity, only to discover him to be as flawed as the rest; and with a guttural, choking cry Steven admits that really it’s the romantic Jewish–Teuton poets whom he adores, thus allying himself with the libertine movement and so, according to some, the party of the Enemy.

I don’t think it’s so, fair-headed Steve, but perhaps it’s not your fault in thinking that passion inextricably involves sleeping with people half your age, that that’s where love is; some American states have endorsed this, after all, and so has a British columnist. Adam, though, the first man, has the right to say: “Eve! Self-indulgence running riot! – is your blood boiling? – then feed the dog. Are you obsessed by your circulation?”
“Yah,” cries Steven, catlike in his happy acceptance of the public’s disapprobation, “Ho!” He’s like a teenage pin-up himself now, do you remember the sort of hero-worshipping books one used to read, “The Story Of A Boy”—a boy who certainly went on to public school –
– but there’s dirtier work afoot. A cover-up, no less, disguised by a performance of The Beggar’s Opera, and further prevarications as to the use of Latin in Robinson Crusoe—a conversation with van Gogh’s long-suffering brother reveals a mutual dissatisfaction with Defoe’s meisterwerk. And yet, Theo admits to a devotion to Ben Gunn, the Treasure Island hermit, admits it even to the FBI whose job it is to eradicate any such romanticism –
“Yeah. We know about this ‘passion’ business. It won’t do, it’s the same as sentimentality about cows: sing your sonnets as you will, we say it’s safer to drink powdered milk.”

* * *

   “Do you think life is worth living?” Frustrated, somehow, he plugged on. “I mean—can’t you say life is good, and death is, well – ”
I was too tired to follow up this argument, I watched the sports. The wonderful Scandinavian would get my vote every time, but ‘No’ snaps the snake-master, my great- uncle Ionides, 5 I look after his outrigger, am careful about giving him the respect he deserves.
“You wish to placate the Evil One? – OK, but be quiet about it, there are certain Tokyo spin-offs to be taken advantage of, just remember that when a priest says ‘Credo’ you repeat the words loudly and IMMEDIATELY, all right? We don’t want to be involved with sea-food poisoning or Dutch food embargoes.”

By implication: root out the pupil who won’t behave, even if he’s jealously holding onto a pentatonic recorder (which he won’t play), even if he’s got no spots, prefers to spend his pocket money on deodorants –

– but he’s an innocent beside Sven, Sven’s appetite. Why, Sven alone could retake Thebes, yes, I know that seven were required, but what’s one “e” between friends… Here we have (as well as Sven-Olof):

Fido, the Faithful Hound
Eli – who gives Biblical credibility
Seth – similarly, a son of Adam to boot
Fidel – to remind us this is a genuinely revolutionary enterprise
Niobe – because, finally, it’s always the women who suffer, who lose their children and have to continue doing the housework, shot through with arrows as they are –
and a Presidential candidate who proposes himself for this task, alas, which requires seven-times-over godly efforts –
well, good luck, Robert Dole, let’s just hope you were doing what a man’s got to do.

_________________________________________________

A   “Did you lose yourself in summer’s heat?
B    Slump to slumber in the Lisbon sun?”
A    “Well, perhaps you could call it a treat,
B    To blow on aeroplanes the fees you’ve won.”
C   “But surely – pictured on the glowing screen?”
D   “You think one TV payment pays one’s lunch?
C   What if Fidelio’s source had only been
D   A dream, a joke, a scream (yes, after Munch)?”

E   Some German singers merit more applause
F   Than is afforded by a hostile trade:
G   They’re chosen, do their best, let’s hope their skin
E   Is tough enough to weather what their flaws
F   Imply, like English colleagues, thus afraid:
G  “At least I brake my shakes with wine, not gin.”

[5] Well, he was family, by marriage—and an extraordinary character, game-hunter-turned-snake- protector, in East Africa, whom it would be a shame to forget.
[SJ: I can’t For the Life of Me find the note cue here, but I cant bear to sacrifice the note… Some intrepid reader might like to supply it…]

Another try at this sonnet (and this time, with a more properly Burgessian rhyme scheme, in feeble honour to another hero):

A  “Did you lose yourself in summer’s heat,
B   Slump to slumber in the Lisbon sun?”
B  “Then waste on aeroplanes the pay I’d won?
A  It’s doubtful even you’d call this a treat.”
A  “But if you’re dining ’mongst the screen’s elite?”
B  “Eating your own wallet’s not much fun.”
B  “You’re telling me ‘Fidelio’ couldn’t run
A  To sponsoring your ‘gourmand appetite’?”
C  “I’m German. Speak in English, if you please.”
D  “Your skin’s that thin? Go on—Beethoven knew
E   That ‘slow of hearing’ doesn’t mean ‘obtuse’.”
E  What prejudices blight one’s hope for truce
D  ’Tween sheep and goat (and cow!) – your thought’s askew:
C  They’re all washed down by wine (there go one’s fees).

_____________________________________________________

I was sitting in front of the TV in the Long Room, with Ray, Fred, Geoff, the late Brian, E.W. and the lads.
“You see?” groaned Ray, “he never gave his all, the wretch. He preferred the theatricals, the palm-slapping and name-dropping, to a decent job of hard work.”
“But if you only go by the satellite image,” I reasoned, “you may stop them getting away with daylight robbery, but you’ll go to the grave without winning the Ashes.”
“That’s just it,” broke in Geoff—the scope of the discussion was widening—“you put the right bloke in the wrong place, like Wagner in Bloom’s, and you’ll soon find something’s a-missing – ”
“You’re the one who’s missed out, thee…” cried Fred…
“Wait—can’t you feel it?” I said, “there’s a C sounding somewhere…”
“It’s that violinist the committee hired for concert intervals,” Geoff told me. “She gets a ridiculous salary, but there you are! At least when there’s a barn dance she’ll get ’em jumping!”
“That reminds me, it’s time for evensong,” intoned John Arlott. “A manuscript Latin hymn in fa, and an anthem by Délibes.”
“Did you know Délibes was a Foreign Office spy?”
“Got a gong for supporting freedom movements, so I heard.”
“I heard that your brother-in-law’s setting of a Robert Graves poem was found in the Indian laundry!” [6]

Shades of Ravel’s Introduction and Allegro! Careful as he was, obsessive even, rigidly counting each bean, keeping fellow Basque gastronomes one short of a quorum while sating them with extra virgin cold pression olive oil…

[6] & * William Godfree’s song cycle Her restless ghost, settings of Robert Graves, includes the poem whose first line is “O Love, be fed with apples while you may”. I mixed this with memories of “dhobi” and the Ravel story—one doesn’t often find two laundry items in one place (not my responsibility—it was the anagrams, guv) (see * below).

   “Look, could Beethoven really not hear? ” asked “Jim” Swanton.
“By that stage he wasn’t Beethoven at all, he’d been swapped for a Russian nabob who used deafness as an excuse to write just anything…”

I looked out of the window, watching the afternoon sun slant across the Lords’ turf. At this hour, I reflected, the Grecian mainland was drenched with the deep shades of late afternoon, the last rays of sunlight touching that so-fought-over town with a glance of lavender… And inwardly looking, as I was, there crept over me a shiver of unspeakable joy.
“But he loved Hölderlin, didn’t he?” I heard Geoff saying. “Just hear this – oh Diana, do you mind putting out the silage for the buffalo? – ‘Thus enlightened and unenlightened must finally join hands, mythology must become philosophical for the people to become reasonable, and philosophy must become mythological in order to make the philosophical sensuous. Then eternal unity will reign among us. Never again the contemptuous glance, nor the blind trembling of the people before its wise men and priests. Only then will equal development of all powers, of each and every individual, await us. No power will be suppressed any more.

‘Then general freedom and equality of spirits will reign ! – A higher spirit sent from heaven must found this new religion among us, it will be the last, greatest work of mankind.’ [7]
“Grand, eh? That’ll make ’em sit up in the Yorkshire committee room!”
“Actually,” said Di, breaking the spell that had settled over us with this uncompromising declaration, “the buffalo’d probably have preferred tuna.” 
Well, I might prefer honey. What’s that to do with us now? “Give the food to our Scandinavian friend,” I said.
“Do you think I should? Will he hit me if he doesn’t like it?”
“Who are you asking?” Thinking about it, I wasn’t thrilled with this reply, but was exonerated by the Swede himself, who entered spreading his hands and generously crying, “Anything you can find to eat is fine by me!”

Fine? Does he “love” food in the same way one “loves” one’s pets – buffalos, fish, be they what they will – or Beethoven? If there were no “E” in the language suddenly, or in the musical scale, you might be surprised to find you loved it too, had done all along. “Liebend ist es mir gelungen, Dich aus Ketten zu befrei’n.” It’s through love we know which are the chains, the assumptions, we can break apart – and those we accept –

like, knowing you’re tired, and retiring

(believe, once and for all, every ambiguity is deliberate, exact, even the ones I haven’t noticed)

Not just fine, but,

Fin

(It’s th’ end.)

[7] I’m aware this manifesto is attributed also to Schiller; from what (little) I know of both of them, I feel instinctively its sunlit airiness belongs more properly to Hölderlin, as Nicholas McNair’s original programme article describes, though it’s possible Schiller took it up (as who wouldn’t?). I ́m also aware its presence here isn’t strictly generated by the anagrams, but it is by the opera.

8

O BENEVOLENT HEROES

“Vote Nelson be hero! Even one-horse, Beetle… Nepoleon? Bonee? SHET!” ’E shove Beetle on. “Nero vetoes Nono [8]: rebel he, he nev’r been to Oslo.”
“Nero? Este, love. Bone, hone, bore the solvent sleet hoover” – E. Benn. (O thee, no sloven Bree.) “Nero’s lone Beethoven.” “Hoover? ’E been stolen.”
“E’en Hoover been stolen?” Enter hovel, sob: “No! ” Best hovel ore, e’en one Robertson hoe; eleven elevens bother Rono, sever heel bone too.

“O, see the obol.”
“No, never. Lethe snob? Oo, never.”
“Eh?”
“Verboten. Else no OE,” vetoes Helen, o the serene love.
“Then boo! ”
“No!” – Leon the obese. Rev. ‘Elven’ Oberst: “Ho! Noé!” ’E bother Noel* even so: ’e hover tense, noble, o, ’e rove N. Bootle, E. Sheen, Esher, Bolton even, o, E. Borneo teen shovel, ’e been Vérone, Lesotho…
Boer: “He seen Novotel?” So – Novotel – been here. Thebes rôle even? Noo. E. Rennes hovel.
Obote: “One Serb hotel oven, Eve – ” (best ‘Leonore’: no ‘eh’) “o three-oven Belsen, seventeen-hobo role. To be or no… ”
“E’en shelve Robeson? Loth. Eee…” (Nev.)
“Ben, Nev’s here!” (O’Toole.) “He’s Renée…”
“Novel. Boot even seen Helot boor, even no hetero-lesbo, Ebeneser Leontov.”
“Ho. See one brothel, one vee, Eros, love – both one!” (ἕν..)

[8] I seem to have swapped vowels between adjacent anagrams, as indicated. I’ve left it, for clear reasons, but sorry, it won’t happen again.

* * *

Robson, toe élevé, lone NH oboe Everest: shove oboe, relent, ennerve, hone solo. (“Beet broth,Selene?” “O no, Eve.”)
 O, lento ne’er behoves eleven neo-theorbos. Tenor – love Nobes? Hee… R. Holton v. Nobes? Eeee… Svelte horn, oboe, e’en no bore-hole (vet lens), lone Hove nose-beret. Throb on, Sven, olé!
“Eee ! He be no novel stereo, honest. (Role, one ‘beve’?) Even the Rob solo, ‘Nee…’?”
“O no. See throne? Bevel revel behest: no ‘E’, no ‘O’.”
“No ‘see’?”
“Veto ‘ ’hernobel’.”
“NO ‘SEE’??”
“ ’heviot…” FBI led [9] revolt. “ ‘See’! Oh, none be honest élève. Roneo be sloth veneer.”

Boone (Esther Boone, Loeven) : “Divie bleets of no ‘eh’ ** – boo, seventeen-holer, e’en seven-hole robot.”
Seve: “ ’E bet heron, loon.”
Severe.

* * *

Otho ‘le Bon’, né Noelene Booth, sever Slovene Breton, ho! Eesee. “Noh? Bon.”Oleveret, one BS Eleveret, oh no! ’e BSE even North Looe? Evern Lee, OBE, shoots Noel Osborne [10] (he be TV vole, honest): Reno bee, no Slovene beer o’ the Elbe (o sh, Oenone, Trev – e’en Everton lose…). Hob seethe, von Bono leer. Soon Evoe, treble hen, stone-oven-Rehe, loben Evo’s Booléen ether. Eothen, so noble rêve! Loeb, Veronese (no, the ‘eel’ Veronese, both on ‘no veer’ behest).

[9] and ** The two preceding 17-letter anagrams belong to the second, “Fidelio” half. I can’t tell at what stage they became incorporated here, but, here they are. Perhaps the game with “c”, unavailable in either anagram set, was too absorbing to interrupt.

[10] See note 4 above.

** Here, as promised, the line is drawn.

* * *

“O, Noel !”
“O, Eve! Lebensnot hero!”
“Steven Hero, eel boon, lover to one shebeen! No sherbet levée.”
“O no? Hebe never on toes. Lo!”
“Eve, no!” Beth sore, lone: thorn been sleeve, oo.
“No, Eve – no Bethel rose!” Oo, her bonnet sleeve!
“Bon, Eve…”
Ethel: “ ’onor, ’e’s Noelene Booth’s rêve…”
“Eve?… Noon. Lobster?”
“Heee…!”

O. Noh even bore Steele. Severn blot, o honee? O no.

ENTER SHE, BELOVE *|* D OF BEETHOVEN

’Lise: “I : the visible Eden.”

Oof, she fêted oblivion: ’e lived ’s if he been too feeble. Doth noise vie his fèble devotion? Define evil: Hob, so, et HIV (défense: boil toe), the Devil! Beef! Soon I even bit vee of solid, foetid vole.
 Ben: “Is he noble fish devotee?” I heed not visible foe. Odin/Eve fé shiboleth, footle beside vine.
“Fie! Bleed vine shoot!”
Bon, i.e. the dove flies to solid fen beehive: festoon beehive lid, hoe, bevel finite sod, bone olive, de-fetish bolshie teen video. FT feeble shine, ovoid fen deb, shoe ‘E’.

Tivoli, Vénise: be ’loof, Edith Nesbit – “O folie! He, Dev? I bet he’d love sin – o fé…” Hotel bovine Dis fee, beside.

Novotel: “If he envies food elite…” (H.B. ‘Fidelis’.) “Oh vé! Eton be ovine shed. Flee bit o’ beef, too livid sheen: believe nosh foetid, beef deletion.” Hovis; Holstein beef video.
Theo fed blini. “So, Eve, diet be foolish? Even edible hoof? I…”
 Steven:
“He, fool, envies bidet. Behold foe: évite sin.” Fool, he invites Bede – o the evil sin of Bede! – (sob’d, tief ) – “Love Heine!” Evident Soho belief, i.e. be son of the Devil!

O, blond Steve! If thee, oh, if love is teen bed, fondle, Steve, be Ohio – Levin’s Ohio bed fête…
“Eve! Hedonist foible! – Vein seethe? lob Fido blood. Vein fetish?”
“Ee, the boos feel divine,” boo’d feline Steve, “hi!”. Teen idol he,‘Bevis’ of Eton. “Hide files, be vobis ‘Felon Thieve Ode’.”
“ ‘Vobis ’ ?”
“ ‘Thine’. Defoe, el Isle…”
“O, Defoe be v. thin, Theo.”
“I love Ben, Feds, I – ”
“ – in love ?? Shit. Beef ode. I? I beve Nestlé food.”

* * *

He: “Life is ’bove deth, no?” ’E be foiled – oh, invest. “Life is v. bon – deth? O – eee… ”
I behold Eton fives: Sven-Olof, bei thee I’d…

“Veto!” (Ionides – befehl boot, defensive ‘heil’.)
“Soothe Devil – be fine!”
“Sh! I love Edo benefit. Oh, no deist ? (f) BELIEVE! Hob denotes evil, fie! iodine fob het vlees.”
Boot fiendish élève: he’d five silent oboe, e’en he, divest of boil (b.o. – I’ve invested hole). Ee, the libido of Sven. One v. Thebes? Fido, Eli, Seth, Fidel, Niobe – o vé! Seven-folio Thebeid, sevenfold Hebe, Io, it…”
“… it behoves Dole – fine.”

She: “Fed été oblivion?”
He: “O, I’ve fêted Lisbon.”
“The Lisbon video fee?”
“Vision: hotel feed be.”
“So – if Beethoven lied?”
“So ? ’E felt bovine hide.”
“Oh – is Detlef bovine?”
“Ee! – ist vine flood he be!”

* * *

“Oi, Devon, feeble shit! He believe in soft do : ‘Hi five!’ D. Boon, Steele…”
“Heed television, fob thieves, die of Nobel.”
“O, if Beethoven’s deli void ‘E’ – ” (the ‘E’ snob file…)
“I feel tense doh vib…”
“O, bête violin fee, dosh – hoedo’n: visible feet!”
“Be Ovid in F (sheet), Léo Délibes.”
“The FO envoi!” (Ed.: ‘leftish envoi, OBE’.)
“ ‘O love, be fed’ is in the dhobi.”* O, tensile fève! – eleven foodies bit his oil. “Beethoven def?”
“He Leonid B., Soviet effendi.”

(O Thebes, olive-violet be she.)

“O fine. Di, love, feed the bison.”
“ ’E’d fish volonté.” I, bee
“Feed Bo.”
“Is he violent?”
“Isn’t he?”

Bo: “I love feed!”

He love? ’E??

To bed.

Finis.

May–November, 1996
Nicolas Robertson

9

Guest post: Alceste

Nicolas Robertson

For a general introduction to the series, click here;
for Nick’s sad demise, here.

Prelude—SJ
Having posted nine of Nick’s extraordinary anagram tales, we thought we’d give the reader [still singular, eh?—Ed.] a bit of a break, but now that he has, alas, become “late and lamented”, I find a couple more of his stories that I think I can lick into shape. They will have to stand as a posthumous tribute to his brilliant mind. Here’s the first, with Nick’s own introduction:

ALCESTE
Opera by Gluck. Staged performance in the Théâtre du Châtelet, Paris, 1999, staging by Robert Wilson, with soloists, Monteverdi Choir (offstage, in the pit) and English Baroque Soloists, directed by John Eliot Gardiner. CD recording, and TV and DVD film directed by Brian Large.

Alceste CD cover

This is the last of the “anagram stories” I compiled before the watershed year of Bach’s 250th commemoration year, 2000, and arose from a substantial residence in Paris (we also performed and recorded Orphée et Eurydice, the choir this time on stage); which accounts for the strongly French admixture in the anagrams.

I always hope that these exercises can speak for themselves, as it were. I would like to mention though that the “tsetse éclat escale” image of a clambering insect on a barred jersey was inspired by one of the most beautiful passages of prose I ever read, in Nabokov’s Bend Sinister; and that Nathan Astle, in 2002 (thus after I wrote the anagrams and the story), surprised the world, and perhaps himself, by scoring the fastest Test match double century in history, against England in Christchurch. Looking him up now, I see this is not the only prescience among the anagrams: another of Astle’s records is for the most ducks (5) in World Cup matches—it’s not said if any of them were wild. (Nabokov preferred tennis; Ibsen’s preference is unknown, to me anyway.)

“Alceste” provided the least number of letters I’d elected to work with to date, which posed different challenges, and led me to think it could be worth including a list of the resulting anagrams, in exactly the order used. There are 91 (92 if you include the name “Alceste” itself). I must add, again, that I didn’t use, have never used, any artificial aid, such as a computer programme, in deducing the anagrams, that would be to undermine the whole idea, which is meant to be the exemplification of chance (perhaps not entirely chance) within a random (well, not quite random) set of coordinates.

Alceste anagrams

SELECT A CAST

“Lee, cas télé: Lee scat, EEC lats, le acest.”
Clea? “T’es sec late, ’élas”, etc.
“Cale? – est ‘le Astec’, L*tèce as.”
“Ale sect, ’élas” (etc.).
“EEC salt!”
“Stale EC” – slate CE.
“Cal? Tees ace.”
“Let’s act. Else Elsa, et C.. – ”
“–Claes?”
“–et‘alc’Este –”
“Least! C’è l’ascète!”
“ – steal ce castle.”

Este??
___________________________________________________________

ALEC:                    Tae slec. Elastec. Set lace, cast eel. Celt sea, celte as ce à l’est,
Sète lac, cet Alès.

CELESTA (sec):    ’Alte ! Scélé’at! Sâle ’tec! Tel cas elects ease –

     ÉCLAT

’ÉCATE [LSE] :     L’ecstase – ÉCLAT – et secla [aet. CL] est ce seal,
La’ Tse, ce stèle act.

[Escale; ecseat L.]

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Las, ce été, LA sect elates Cal secte, ‘el caste’, acelets lactées (case let see talc, l’été sac caselet, saclet e cesta). Le eel sac taste clé, sleet, ace cleats. Ecsel at easel, TC, sat Clee (teasle ç’a clé: tsetse éclat escale – scale ‘te’ – et escalate le scale → C).

“Est-ce Sal? et Léa? C’est Astle?”
“C’è else cat, Elsa, cette – ”
“Las! Ecce–’elastteal!”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ces EC tales.

* * *

How does one set about choosing the line-up for an international opera production? The minutes of a recent committee meeting have been passed to me, and confirm that the criteria are more mixed than might, idealistically, have been expected. Here’s an excerpt:

“I’d say we go for Lee, in case the TV recording goes ahead. He can vocalise very convincingly without the words, and has terrific torso muscles, as good as any in Europe. He’s got to be the number one choice.”
“Okay. Now, do you think I – can take on Alceste?”
“Oh, Clea, I wish I could say yes – but you’re always a fraction behind the beat.” (An example of the speciously ‘objective’ excuse.)
“I think we might try bringing in an old rock star from Velvet Underground as Charon, que tel ? He’s a bit of a Central American god here, in fact a star in Paris – ”
“But he drinks beer as if there were no tomorrow” – and other stock denigrations are brought out (see above).
“No, but he’s really the best in Europe!”
“Europe’s old hat.” And so the Church of England is written off.
“What about Cal? He sweeps the board on Tyneside.”
“It’s time for decisions. Otherwise Elsa, and the sculptor whose name I can’t pronounce, Oldenburg, thank you, he and his ‘soft harps’, as well as that Ferrara girl whose yard-arm is always well below the sun – ”
“ – Hang on! Beatrice? But she’s the most spiritual being I know! – ”
“ – will come and storm our citadel, our châtelet.”

What on earth did he mean, talking like that about Beatrice?

Beatrice
Portrait of a woman, inscribed Beatrice d’Este, c1500–10,North Italian artist (Uffizi). Source.

___________________________________________________________________

We were filming on the Breton coast. Alec had done his research, of course, so knew that this bitter moorland, with its marshy sedges which gave the technical team such trouble in achieving the mobility they needed, was supposed to hide the “Youdic”, one of the entrances to Hell. Or perhaps he only thought of this in terms of metaphor. At any rate, even during the takes he seemed to half wish we were somewhere else. That last afternoon he complained abruptly, in his raw Glasgow accent, about our work—too loose, pulling apart then coming together again too sharply. “This is being filmed through a muslin filigree, remember?Is it in place? Cal–throw the bait into the sea, so that the shadow falls on the menhir behind you. Think of Melusine, if you like, calling to you from the waves—but I don’t want a Celtic twilight, people are the same here or anywhere, this scene could be set in the blue basins of a Languedoc fishing-port, or under the ashlar of the Pont du Gard – ”

Celesta’s voice cut across the sea-washed stillness, dry and harsh: “Stop! You retch! You’re like some sort of sordid private eye! The way you lump all these together just shows how lazily you – ”

An incandescent flash split open the earth and for a moment fixed the grey sky as if in negative. The calvary poised at the intersection of the three paths above le Yeun Elez (“le marais des roseaux”, the marsh of reeds) flung its arms backwards as the setting sun caught the bones of its carved face skull-like in a spiralling cartwheel, and from where it had stood arose a creature which sucked in the elements spinning around it, and from the vortex (which reminded me of the impasse I faced in my finals exams at University) seared us with a voice unspeakably beyond our imagining,

<The bliss you seek > – another shattering burst of lightning – <is made up of centuries> (I thought stupidly, this Hecate’s face looks about 150 centuries old) <and each one bears my mark. It’s written in the Tao (in James Thurber’s version) [1] No, o ! the words are graven in stone! >

[1] I understand the reference to be to “The Wonderful O”, where the letter is banned owing to the sad fate of the principal’s mother, who became stuck in a porthole : ‘They couldn’t pull her in, so they had to push her out’. The prohibition had horrible effects, not least for Ophelia Oliver, everyone’s sweetheart hitherto. [Add to Perec’s Oulipian category of “Plagiary by anticipation”.]

The rocks at our feet suddenly tipped up, and as I sprawled amongst the armeria and sea fennel and samphire the earth gaped open to reveal a dizzying stairwell, down which Hecate plunged, disappearing south-east, in the direction of Carnac. Alec was nowhere to be seen.

Hecate
Hecate, Attic red-figure lekythos, 5th century BCE (Hermitage Museum). Source.

____________________________________________________________________

We were tired, that last summer in California, of trying to feel different. The weight of what seemed to us to be history, or rather the end of it, the inevitable progression from the luxury of striking individual poses to the acceptance of group mores, vitiated our tentative forays into anything that could pass for independent thought. We felt obscurely guilty about this, and thus some of us, anyway, were thrilled when a new Los Angeles group seemed to offer ready-made the transcendence our own mental ambitions shied at. Unashamedly elitist (though not of their own volition: they had been “chosen”), these Hispano-Franco-Americans saw themselves, and thus us, as every one a single star in the Milky Way, powdered with a celestial shimmer we should each carry with us, in a little French pouch and a Portuguese wicker basket.

So far, so exquisite, but the angel was in the details. For, following the divinatory rituals of a Greek tribe in iron-age Thessaly, whose priest-queen Alceste, it seems (the legend has come down to us in a jumbled form), had for the first time defied the ancient rigid formalities and refused the seven-yearly sacrifice of the young king, Admète, the clan had located the essence of rejuvenescence not in the shed blood of a royal representative, but in the organs of the lamprey, a cyclostome much appreciated by gourmets and whose formidable richness in nutritional terms can see one safely through the coldest of winters as if clad in 7-league boots. (Part of their lore also included the folk-memory of how it was that Apollo, protector of Alcestis, came from Thessaly to dispossess the earth-mother/serpent cult at Delphi, replacing her with his own oracle—in short, the worship of sky-gods which accompanied the Achaean invaders from Central Europe into Greece, ousting the old chthonic deities: [2] hence the specific emphasis on summer, “l’été sac”, and celestial phenomena, “acelets lactées”. And underlying this, it struck us, the first tentative emergence of the individual, as if from the chrysalis of uniformity, realising the possibility of asserting individual choice in the face of tribal orthodoxy …)

[2] See Robert Graves, The Greek Myths.

But the members of our sect were clever enough to leaven their powerful teleology with art. The boss, known as Top Cat, was a brilliant painter and had even done a portrait of Paul Klee (TC’s spelling was all over the place, it only endeared him to us all the more, as if proof of his sincerity) in Tunisia. He used to point proudly to a burr on his Breton mariner’s top, which he said had been stuck there ever since his visit to North Africa—and this was the key to his and our undoing, for one weird day we saw the “burr” set off shakily up the staves of his striped shirt, at the same time shouldering away its tufty carapace, until with an almost audible crack the chrysalis shattered and a gleaming mature tsetse fly sidled with its smugly crossed wings into TC’s world, pricked his throat and took him down, leaving us lost, into the long sleeping sickness. I will never forget his cry, indignant at first – “Is it a bee?” – then higher pitched, “Oh, see –”. And I can never again think of a rising semitone as optimistic.

“Is that you, Sally? and Léa? is that Nathan? We need a good number 7,” murmured TC, softly, from a deep, dark maze—somehow, in extremis, reaching out to the memory of a hero from his native New Zealand cricket team.
“No, but instead we’ve got the cat who walked by herself, the lioness Elsa, born free like all the sons of Adam. There’s nothing for you to fear –”
“Alas, but look: he’s become at the end like the wild duck!” – pure symbol of freedom, brought low by stupid material ‘reality’ …

_____________________________________________________________________
[One in a series of recastings of European traditional stories: No 91]

**************************************************************************************************

Paris – London, September–October 1999
slightly revised 2015 and 2021
Nicolas Robertson

Ankou
Ankou, messenger of death, Notre-Dame de Bulat, Côtes d’Armor, Brittany.

In memory of Nicolas Robertson

Nick 1
Source.

Alas, Nicolas Robertson died in Lisbon earlier this month, after many years of chronic illness.

A fine tenor (“cheap at the price”, as we would say), after his early years in Cambridge Nick became a long-term member of early-music groups such as the Monteverdi Choir, the Tallis Scholars, and the Sixteen. As a Bach scholar, he worked assiduously in assisting John Eliot Gardiner‘s research, and I pray that Nick’s own studies of Bach may yet see the light of day.

Nick 2Mozart with the Monteverdi Choir in Barcelona, 1991:
Nick back row, centre.

Notwithstanding his bookish demeanour, the touring life gave him ample opportunity to sample the richesses of continental beverages; a denizen of sleazy bars in every port, he was an unlikely pinball wizard. Marrying his soulmate Lidia in 2003, they lived together in Lisbon. At the end of 2008 Nick declared himself bankrupt (“one of the best things I ever did, as well as a fascinating experience”). I suppose he never recovered from losing first their house (in a fire, 2009) and then Lidia (to cancer, 2013). He died on her birthday.

Softly spoken, even reserved, Nick’s conversation was erudite, arcane, and hilarious, making him a somewhat unusual drinking buddy. A devotee of Oulipo and Perec, he delighted in language (or rather, languages). The gnomic tales that he concocted out of anagrams provided by fellow choristers on tour (mostly composers’ names, like Gran visits York [Igor Stravinsky] or Nubile gorilla [Lili Boulanger], and Mozart operas, like Noon? Gad–vini! [Don Giovanni], are just extraordinary—a kind of Esperanto fiction, creating spiralling worlds of fantasy. I was honoured to post a series of these tales on my blog. Nick’s meticulous system of indents, single and double quotes, long and short dashes, italics, and so on offers the reader crucial clues to the possible meaning of the arcane text, so typesetting was fiendishly complicated—Lear (Bacon), aka Barcelona, is a good example—and our correspondence about such minutiae provided us with hours of harmless nerdy fun. I’ve listed the tales here, and they’re among the treasures of this site. Now I really must edit some of the remaining stories, “compiled without regard to expense or the feelings of the public”, in the words of our inspiration Flann O’Brien.

As a keen football aficionado, another ongoing project in which Nick delighted was collecting drôle headlines about Jesus (“Jesus is very happy with his eleven”, and so on).

I didn’t actually spend much time with him on tour. For reasons that may be apparent by now, I have only a hazy recollection of our encounters in said hostelries. During the Paris legs of our annual Mozart opera tours in the 1990s he took up residence in the little dive next to the Châtelet, which boasted one of his favourite pinball machines; after concerts in Lisbon, I knew he was just the guide for the tiny holes in the wall where you could hear amateur fado singers, away from the pomp of the fancy restaurants; and, unlike most of the choir (alas), he was always up for flamenco bars in Andalucia.

After decades of quiet Bacchic indulgence, eventually his taste for the grape caught up with him. Already ailing seriously the last time we met in Lisbon, he remained fascinating company. His emails were a constant source of abstruse giggles.

See also this tribute from his colleague Richard Savage; more on Nick’s Facebook page.

We both chortled over this line from Vivien Stanshall:

If I had all the money I’ve spent on drink… I’d spend it on drink

—and I think Nick might have approved of it as a suitable epitaph.

The acme of Daoist kitsch

Daoist kitsch

Craig Clunas gleefully spotted this clip (posted by Tong Bingxue on what I still like to call “Twitter”), performed by the Yuzhang Daoist Music Troupe 豫章道乐团 (original here):

The troupe (YouTube playlist) is based at a temple in Nanchang (in Jiangxi province, where some of the most vibrant household traditions of Daoist ritual are to be found, BTW)—but regional style is irrelevant here. There are two issues in need of unpacking:

First, Beethoven—much as I like to blame him, in this case he’s obviously Not Guilty (cf. Monty Python: “the second tune, which Beethoven said on his arrest was ‘just a harmless bit of fun’…”). Anyway, the Yuzhang Daoist Music Troupe clearly aren’t in the market for a Beethoven work that might evoke a suitably profound and abstruse mood, like the Heiliger Dankgesang of the A minor string quartet—rather, they’ve gone for the ultimate cliché, Für Elise—such a heavy albatross around the necks of generations of hapless piano students. And if we have to hear it yet again, this arrangement has a certain charm, I suppose, in a cutesy chinoiserie kinda way—a step up from its use for the garbage trucks of Taiwan (“Whenever I hear Für Elise, I feel like I need to take out the garbage as well”).

But quite apart from the choice of piece, far more insidious is the style of instrumental ensemble itself. Adopted in recent years by such “Daoist music troupes” (a concept that I dismantled here!), it’s based on the modernised “national” conservatoire style.

In both musical and religious affairs, it would clearly be wrong to expect central authorities to have more taste than local cultural officials. Since the White Cloud Temple in Beijing led the way, * the chimera of the Intangible Cultural Heritage also plays a dodgy role in encouraging this kind of style, with Disneyfied staged performances of “Daoist music” given by temple groups such as the White Cloud Temple in Shaanbei.

So here we have a mixed-gender ensemble (itself an affront to tradition, but hey) playing modernised sheng, erhu, yangqin, ruan—a Veritable Smorgasbord™ of kitsch. The style is garish enough when it’s just accompanying Daoist hymns, but with this video, what ARE they thinking?! To imagine that Furry Lisa (as it’s known in the biz) would be just the thing to enhance their international credibility—just picture the troupe’s apparatchiks in a meeting:

After decades creating a debased concept of “Daoist music” to delude the ignorant masses, what more can we do to consolidate our reputation? Aha, I know!!!

Beat that, Richard Clayderman. One can only look forward to a Yubu Can-can. Re-education required (though not in a 1958-labour-camp kinda way). Meretricious (and a Happy New Year)!

I mean, Don’t Get Me Wrong, I’m all for experimentation—in a suitable context (e.g. “world music” versions of Bach). Of course there is a certain audience for this kind of thing in China, and even abroad; some listeners whose taste monitor isn’t programmed for China may find it charming, and It’s a Free Country (Yeah right—Ed.]. It is what it is. The ethnographer may feel obliged to document all kinds of activities, but whether or not we believe in the Wisdom of the Ancient Sages, it’s our solemn duty to ridicule such folly, which distorts and cheapens the whole notion of Daoist ritual and its soundscape [Go for it—Ed.].

Meanwhile, away from the concert platform, household Daoists like the Li family in Shanxi continue to perform life-cycle and calendrical rituals for their local communities—and so do temple priests, even in Shanghai and Beijing.

Related posts are The folk–conservatoire gulf and Different values. For a vignette on what the conservatoire style does to folk music in Shaanbei, click here. See also Chinese music clichés, and “international cultural exchange”.

The only way I can bear to hear Furry Lisa is with the brilliant Two Set Violin (complementing their Mahler 5 and Pachelbel’s capon):


* Under the misguided rubric of “Daoist music”, the style was “developed” in the 1980s at the White Cloud Temple (Baiyun guan 白云观) in Beijing, headquarters of the national Daoist Association and official showcase for the acceptable face of Daoism under Party control. By 1985 the venerable Min Zhiting (1924–2004)—whose former priestly career had hitherto been based in Shaanxi—was chosen to teach at the temple, going on to serve as figurehead of the Daoist Association. But despite his great wisdom, the temple authorities were adept at serving the demands of Party conformity.

There’s a certain merit in the temple’s performance of the daily services, or occasional rituals such as Flaming Mouth (yankou), as they still practise the tradition of vocal liturgy accompanied only by percussion—albeit in the “southern style” that has been widely promoted in recent years. Among many videos on YouTube, here’s the final part of a yankou in 2015:

Their newly-added conservatoire-style instrumental ensemble itself derives from the silk-and-bamboo music of the Shanghai region; however, its ethos is remote even from the melodic ensemble that occasionally punctuates Daoist ritual around south Jiangsu, let alone around north China (see under Three baldies and a mouth-organ, and Daoists of Hunyuan, under “Perils of the ICH”)..

Splåtergørd

I’m most resistant to new-fangled kitchen gadgets, but, um, splashing out on a splatter guard for my little Moka makes a delightful early birthday present.

splatter guard

In a felicitous coincidence, the Norwegian centre-forward Einar Splåtergørd was the first footballer to break the £10 transfer-fee barrier, going on to score the winning goal for Burnley in their legendary 1959 Cup Final victory over Tranmere Rovers [You nearly had me thereThe Plain People of Ireland].

For more diacritics, note Ogonek and Til!

Talking of kitchen gadgets, the African American businessman and inventor Alfred L. Cralle patented the “Ice Cream Mold and Disher” in 1897, forerunner of the ice-cream scoop.

scoop

Cf. the inventions of the fridge, tobacco, and the helpline.

The Black Wave

In the same vein as my penchant for subtitled black-and-white movies with amateur actors [zzzzz—Ed.], you can’t beat 1960s’ Soviet-bloc satire, as Stewart Lee would say.

Hole in the soul
Source.

I dimly recall being bemused by W.R.: mysteries of the organism (Dušan Makavejev, 1971) at university, but now, thanks to a recent review by Peter Bradshaw, I’ve been relishing the same director’s 1967 Yugoslavian pulp classic

Makavejev (1932–­2019) was a “satirist, political subversive and eroto-evangelist, a performance artist of ex-Yugoslavia’s cinematic Black Wave”. In exile from 1973, his early films are inevitably compared with Godard.

Love affair poster

The doomed love affair is between switchboard operator Izabela and Muslim rodent sanitation inspector Ahmed (don’t you love it when you can type a sentence like that?). The film

is about politics, sex and death. Or mostly sex and death. Or mostly sex. Sex is the great rebellion in this film, and the great warning. Izabela is killed by a male figure who for all his own unorthodoxy and boozy indiscipline is a submissive follower of the party line. Sex can be an apolitical form of conflict; it does not explicitly exist in opposition to the government, but the erotic mode is revolutionary by its very nature. This film is a short, sharp shock of exhilaration and artistic dissent.

It’s full of incongruous, stimulating disjunctions. The drama is interlaced with patriotic songs. Izabela may be a “tease”, but Makavejev teases us too. While the seduction is going on, what starts as a scene-setting pan to a TV newsreel of the desecration of churches gets us involved, threatening to distract us from the bedroom action. The camera lingers on bodies, alive and dead.

Love affair scene

Roger Ebert’s original review is excellent too, with the fine sentence

He eventually does not exactly hurl her into a deep well.

Makavejev’s first movie Man is not a bird (1965) is on YouTube too:

And his 1994 self-portrait Hole in the soul, for the BBC (fine review here), is no less wacky:

* * *

Also part of the Black wave was I even met happy gypsies (Aleksandar Petrović, 1966; cf. this post, under “Roma”). This upload of the complete film, and these two excerpts, are alas without English subtitles:

Note also the Prague Spring (Closely observed trains, Kundera), Punk in Croatia, and other posts listed under Life behind the Iron Curtain.

You couldn’t make it up

Hyde cover

Political satire may be impotent (as in Peter Cook’s “those wonderful Berlin cabarets which did so much to stop the rise of Hitler and prevent the outbreak of the Second World War”), but apart from making us Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati feel smug, it affords us a modicum of sanity. On both sides of the pond, this has been a golden age for satirists, whose only problem is that no matter how exaggerated their fantasies, they couldn’t possibly dream up anything so absurd as the behaviour of the politicians themselves.

The Guardian is blessed with a kind of Brian-and-Stewie double act in the form of John Crace and Marina Hyde. The latter’s columns since 2016 have been collected in the handsome tome

  • Marina Hyde, What just happened? Dispatches from turbulent times (2022; 512 pages).

In her Introduction she addresses the reader:

You have chosen to be reminded that the path to the sunlit uplands goes right through shit creek.

And she reflects:

I know some people like to think of column-writing as an art, but for me, it’s definitely not. It’s a trade. You get up, you write something to fill a space, and you hope it’s not one of your worst shots and that readers enjoy it. Maybe some people are out there imagining they’re writing the first draft of history, but I feel like I’m just sticking a pin in a moment.

While it’s topical to read her dispatches weekly, it’s also salient to digest them en masse under loosely-grouped themes, or rather characters: not just politicians, but

a queen, various princes and duchesses, celebrities, wicked advisers, reality TV monsters, billionaires, philanthropists, fauxlanthropists, Hollywood sex offenders, judges, media barons, populists, police officers, and all kinds of other heroes and villains.

Ms Hyde is happy to be “the journalistic equivalent of a chocolate digestive or a packet of salt and vinegar crisps”, interspersing showbiz and sport with politics and always thinking associatively (“for me the reflexive way of making sense of a lot of things is by using references to other things”). But beyond the dazzling stylistic brilliance of her satire, many columns evince her genuine passion about events where levity is unthinkable, such as the murder of Jo Cox and the Manchester Arena bombing.

It’s all there—Brexit, Covid and Partygate, with the Orange Baby taking a relatively cameo role. Will our grandchildren ever believe any of this, or will it be eclipsed by duplicities and iniquities as yet unimaginable? Copious columns of Ms Hyde excoriate the Tories floundering over Brexit and its “opportunities”, from Theresa May (“the Florence Foster Jenkins of politics”) to the arch-villain BoJo, “matinee idol of the Tory shires”, “the blond black hole”,

journalist, novelist, Churchill biographer, politician, urban planner, diplomat. At this stage in Boris Johnson’s storied career we have to ask: is there anything he CAN do?

I’ve already featured the classic scene in Outnumbered where a visiting German student refuses to believe that “Boris” could possibly be a real politician (see note here). Ms Hyde’s epithets for him are magnificent:

not so much a statesman as an Oxfam donation bag torn open by a fox

this radioactive haystack, this Frankenstein assemblage of all the rejected personality disorders of the minor Greek gods

puts the “I am” into iambic pentameter

lying, hypocritical degenerate

looks like Chucky if he’d borrowed a suit for a court appearance, or a Yewtree version of Worzel Gummidge, or what would happen if you started making Margaret Rutherford out of papier maché but got bored halfway through

and

The level of self-congratulation with which he produces a phrase like “tricephalous monster” marks him out as the classic stupid-person’s-idea-of-a-clever-person, but among the faithful it is undeniable that some of his most recycled lines still bring the house down. And the lovely thing is, he’s never buried in the rubble.

Ms Hyde is incisive on the way “Boris” stokes up Islamophobia. And from October 2021:

For pretty much the entire pandemic, right up until about 10 minutes ago, Johnson has been the teacher who wants to be cool. You know the type—messes his hair up and calls you “mate”. High-fives you when you get a right answer but claims that, in many ways, there are no wrong answers. Tells you to call him by his first name. Deals with early speculative breaches in discipline by announcing he’s not going to send you to the headmaster, mate, because he comes at this stuff from different angles. Tells you to rip out the introduction to your pandemic textbooks.

Insists he’s the same as you guys and totally gets what you’re going through, in fact he actually feels it more deeply. Claims to have been expelled from three schools as a teen. Says he hates teaching because he’s “about freedom”. Rides a dirt bike. Raps Cardi B. Chaperones a school trip where 47 pupils die.

And his Rasputin, the éminence grise Dominic Cummings,

shiftily meeting the camera’s gaze with the same defensive sneer you’d see on the proprietor of a holiday caravan park who had just been released on police bail after a fatal gas explosion thought to have been caused by poor maintenance,

whose intrepid research trip to Barnard Castle, at a time when the feckless riff-raff were just lounging around on their own at home, is yet another priceless gift to satirists.

And then there’s the Haunted Pencil, “someone [Boris] would unquestionably have pitied mercilessly at school”, giving him a patrician endorsement:

“Two years ago, in the Conservative Party leadership campaign, I supported Boris Johnson, because I thought he would deliver Brexit extraordinarily well”, Rees-Mogg intoned, suggesting he has inherited all his father’s gifts of prophecy. “I haven’t seen anything that would cause me to change my mind on that.” Not anything?! He should have gone to MonocleSavers.

Among many classic reproaches to his absurd, sinister shtick is this.

Further sections are devoted to “Big Guys: from street harassers to Supreme Court judges”, Billionaires, and the Royal Family. Ms Hyde’s sports columns are acerbic too, such as “Pity the poor man who’s had the Women’s World Cup shoved down his throat”,

at the expense of one of the four great civil rights questions of our era: 1) When are we getting a White History Month? 2) When is International Men’s Day? 3) Isn’t it time we had Straight Pride? and 4) Can you imagine how sexist people would say it was if we had a men’s World Cup? […]

Ways that it can be shoved down his throat include “being on TV” and “being on a website he normally looks at”.

And Oh No, he’s Being Branded Sexist!

No one more than me wants to help the guy whose chief point about the 2019 World Cup is: “I would so much rather watch parks football on a Sunday morning”. I would also rather he did this.

She pays homage to Marcus Rashford, “worth a hundred ministers”, with his initiative for free school meals; and to the emotional maturity of the England men’s football team after the 2020 Euros, “in stark contrast to that of the prime minister and government”:

It is, on every level, absurd that it should feel socially necessary for footballers barely out of their teens to pen missives to the nation apologising for missing a penalty, but not for a government to even acknowledge vast and lethal mistakes, much less say sorry for them.

In the section on still more recent débacles (“12 parties, three prime ministers, and a war”), she deplores the shameful failure of the “government” to help refugees from Ukraine—or indeed (one might add), refugees from anywhere, or to help anyone ever, except themselves. And I’ve already cited her riposte to the rabid critics of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe.

Indexes can give a succinct, drôle flavour of a book’s tone; the index here is entertaining in itself, while somewhat more restrained than those of Paula Clarke Bain, or my own draft index for Nicolas Robertson’s mind-blowing anagram tales. The substantial entry for “Johnson, Boris” includes sub-headings such as

banal psychopathy
dishonesty
self-love
and death of shame
farming sunlit uplands
fridge-hiding

See also my roundup of posts on Tory iniquity.

The art of emoji

Emoji zzzAmong all the New-Fangled media that are making us feel old, even I can’t help noticing that emoji are a really useful means of communicating (yup, I’m leaping right in there and being geriatically pedantic about the plural already—see also here and here).

emoji plural

Pictograms evolving out of emoticons, emoji have been constantly developing since the early smiley face 😀, and there’s a wealth of discussion (e.g. wiki; and articles such as this). A 2017 study found that

The French use heart emoji ❤️ the most. People in countries like Australia, France, and the Czech Republic used more happy emoji, while this was not so for people in Mexico, Colombia, Chile, and Argentina, where people used more negative emoji in comparison to cultural hubs known for restraint and self-discipline, like Turkey, France and Russia. […]

Linguistically, emoji are used to indicate emotional state, they tend to be used more in positive communication. Some researchers believe emoji can be used for visual rhetoric. Emoji can be used to set emotional tone in messages. Emoji tend not to have their own meaning but act as a paralanguage adding meaning to text. Emoji can add clarity and credibility to text.

Psycholinguistically, the use of emoji differ depending on speaker and setting. Women use emoji more than men. Men use a wider variety of emoji. Women are more likely to use emoji in public communication than private communication [see also e.g. here].

Extraversion and agreeableness are positively correlated with emoji use, while neuroticism is negatively correlated. Emoji use differ between cultures: studies in terms of Hofstede’s cultural dimensions theory found that cultures with high power distance and tolerance to indulgence used more negative emojis, while those with high uncertainty avoidance, individualism, and long-term orientation use more positive emojis.

Succinct and expressive of nuance, emoji may be misunderstood according to the cultural and contextual interpretation of sender and recipient. Of course, verbal language (both written and spoken) can be misunderstood too, and it can also be a useful device; deliberate ambiguity is easier to detect in speech, which can provide more clues to your meaning.

emoji feminist

Feminism is also on the agenda (e.g. here, and here). And emoji designers are careful to reflect skin colours:

emoji skin

Emoji use by country has interesting but quite minor variations (see e.g. here, and here).

Emoji FWTOJ

The Face with Tears of Joy emoji has led the field since 2015. It

started to decline in popularity around the early 2020s, because Generation Z began to associate it with older generations, thus perceiving it as “uncool”. It has been predominately replaced by the sobbing emoji (😭) and skull emoji (💀) to express similar emotions. However, CNN did note that “sometimes teens and twenty-somethings use emoji—like the laughing crying one—ironically, such as by sending six or seven of them in a row to friends, to exaggerate it. But, overall, that emoji is a no-go”. Whilst the emoji has maintained its popularity with millennials, Generation Z utilises the emoji as a form of irony. Following the decrease in usage over Twitter, the Face with Tears of Joy emoji was briefly dethroned as the most popular Twitter emoji. Researchers speculate that this decrease in popularity is due to its over-saturation and overuse within online communities. In late 2021 and early 2022, however, it returned to the top of Twitter’s most popular emoji.

Victor Mair writes on its Chinese connotations here.

I’m fond of the angel emoji 😇, also ambiguous, ingenuous. And emoji will keep evolving. The brilliant, useful “HELLO?” (or “Like, Duh”—also “Like, hello?” and in reported speech, “I’m like, hello?”) doesn’t quite seem to be covered yet (see this post featuring the sinister Haunted Pencil 👻✏️, adding emoji for racist sexist Tory bigot)—one could use the basic Waving emoji 👋, the Face with Rolling Eyes 🙄, or something in this range 🤔🤭, but we surely need a more focused one.

After Moby Dick, I look forward to emoji versions of Pride and prejudice and the Matthew Passion.

The likes of The Haunted Pencil may tut, but like Popular Beat Combos and the telephone (see Staving off old age), it looks like emoji might really catch on. YAY!

💃  🍾

Some rare recordings

Edison

Early recordings can be inadvertently hilarious, like the French folk-song from 1860 that made Charlotte Green corpse on a BBC news report. The first known recording of Western Art Music is more bemusing than funny. Recorded on wax cylinders (“Mr Edison’s phonograph”) at a grand concert at Crystal Palace on 29th June 1888, it apparently contains excerpts from Handel’s Israel in Egypt—but not so you’d know. The review comments interestingly on the revival of the piece that was then under way:

It is now almost as well known to our choirs in various parts of the country as the “Messiah” itself.

Recalling our own times, the review also notes mixed responses to an audience member:

Among the distinguished persons present at to-day’s performance was Mr Gladstone, who occupied the Royal box, and who on rising at the end of the first part was saluted with marks of approbation, which, originating in the Handel orchestra, soon spread throughout the vast assemblage. The applause was varied here and there with a few hisses, which, strange to say, seemed to proceed in all cases from ladies.

Curiously, the detailed review compliments the solo singers but doesn’t mention the conductor, August Manns, “directing an orchestra of some 500 musicians and a choir of over 4,000 voices, in front of an audience of 23,722 people”.

Handel 1888

Here are the salvaged fragments, ingeniously identified in the comments:

The tempi, albeit hard to detect, are very slow, in the romantic fashion that persisted until the spread of the early music movement (e.g. Mengelberg’s 1939 Matthew Passion—link in my post on Richard Taruskin). If someone could make a better restoration, it’d be fascinating to hear. Perhaps we’re fortunate that

Colonel Gouraud, who made the experiment, did not attempt to record any solo pieces, feeling that the phonograph was too distant from the vocalist.

So to recover, may I suggest Michael Chance singing Thou shalt bring them in—as good as it gets…

* * *

Trane Dolphy
John Coltrane with Eric Dolphy. Image: Herb Snitzer.

While we can hardly derive any musical satisfaction from the 1888 cylinders, further recordings of the great John Coltrane continue to surface. Complementing his complete Village Vanguard recordings, long-lost live tapes from Trane’s 1961 residency at the Village Gate have just been released, with Eric Dolphy alongside Elvin Jones, McCoy Tyner, and Reggie Workman. Here’s Impressions:

and Greensleeves:

A more traditional pairing with Handel would be Jimi Hendrix, who were neighbours in London, though not quite at the same time…

My impertinent editor

Editors can play a most constructive role—such as gently suggesting that it might be inadvisable to use the word “wombat” three times in the same sentence, or explaining the legal repercussions of slagging off evil xenophobic Tory bigots. On my blog, however, as the attentive reader [singular, eh? Mrs Ivy Trellis I presume—Ed.] will have noticed, the main role of my imaginary editor is to constantly snigger at my pretentious ideas and take the piss out of my slavish devotion to PC.

So perhaps we can find some clues to the character and tastes of this elusive figure—like Elena Ferrante, being of indeterminate gender, I like to think of her/him as Ermintrude or Algernon.

ritual-masters

The notional editor likes to nominate me for a Pseuds’ Corner Award for passages such as:

I was just admiring Messi weaving his way through yet another helpless defence, and recalling his time at Barcelona, comparable only to Bach at Leipzig…

or in my tribute to Stewart Lee:

he reformulates motifs from previous work, just like Bach and Miles Davis.

Waxing lyrical about Dream a little dream of me,

reminiscent of Mahler’s sudden revelation of alpine pastures adorned with cowbells, or an incandescent Messiaen meditation suffused with ondes martenot [Steady on—Ed.].

Pondering my early exposure to the ouevre of Godard:

my musical tastes were already imbued with Ravel, Messiaen, and Boulez [Weirdo—Ed.]

On flamenco:

Like Lorca, [Name-dropper—Ed.], my taste draws me to the intensity of cante jondo deep singing”.

In one of my posts on cuisine, Ermintrude/Algernon sniggers at

my legendary dinner parties [legendary in the sense that they never existed?—Ed.]…

Stein

On the 94 bus:

As the fleet plies its trade between East and West, like a medieval caravan along the Silk Road weaving its way through the bustling markets of oases like the fabled Bush of Shepherds [That’s enough now—Ed.]

Some of my finest fantasies are met by a suggestion of inebriation:

“I didn’t get where I am today” [at home with a bottle of Bombay Sapphire—Ed.] by peddling such flapdoodle.

Often when I seem to overreach myself, a sarcastic put-down suffices—such as a raised eyebrow when I claim familiarity with these new-fangled Popular Beat Combos:

my new acquaintance with Turkish-German rap [Yeah right—Ed.]

The editor’s disinterested eye can be useful, as here:

We shouldn’t allow our fascination with iconography [Speak for yourself—Ed.] to detract from documenting people’s actual religious observances.

Ermintrude/Algernon tries to keep me in check:

One evening after doing the Monteverdi Vespers, or should I say Vespas [No you should not—Ed.]

On Tibet:

Could it be that emissaries called out “da-yig!” to announce their arrival, a custom that eventually found its way to Venice via the Silk Road, becoming the gondolier’s cry of O-i? [No it couldn’t. Stop it.—Ed.]

My obsession with Chinese folk music surfaces in the most unlikely places, like this on Irish fiddlers:

What a wealth of creative wisdom under all those nimble fingers, immersed in the style, each with their own lineages and influences, full of regional and personal variation—like shawm players in north China [I was afraid you were building up to that—Ed.].

Some comments hit home:

[Noteauthor’s source for popular culture appears to derive almost entirely from the demure echelons of the BBC—Ed.]

I may be rebuked for levity, as in this aside:

the iconoclastic early punk band Seven Sages of the Bamboo Grove [Behave yourself, Dr Jones—Ed.]

But sometimes Ermintrude/Algernon seems to join in the fun:

I’m always tickled pink [Best possible colour to be tickled—Ed.] by

and on visual culture:

Craig and any other art historians who have managed to read this far might care to exact revenge by writing Specious Flapdoodle [famous 19th-century Baptist pastor—Ed.] about early music or Daoist ritual…

Flann

In my tribute to Myles:

His intolerance of cant (and doubtless Kant) has brought him a cult following [Autospell running amok?—Ed.].

On film criticisms by GDR censors:

the buildings look sad, inhospitable, dirty, and unkempt [Tripadvisor review for Tory Britain?—Ed.]

My elusive critic sometimes takes a rather laidback stance on grammar, as here:

I found myself on the courtyard outside SOAS at midday, where whoM [Pedant—Ed.] should I bump into but…

Ermintrude/Algernon’s rebukes over my sexism seem to be tongue-in-cheek—such as this comment on some favoured limericks:

The young man from Calcutta, The young man from Japan, and The old man from Peru [Typical bias against the middle-aged woman—Ed.]

or

the splendidly-named Ronald Binge, creator of Mantovani’s “cascading strings” effect [Persontovaniplease!—Ed.]

And I am just as likely to be criticised for being unduly Woke, as in my choice of baroque composers:

we should adjust from our image of Barbara Strozzi and Artemisia Gentileschi [PC gone mad—Ed.]

Even my violin playing comes in for sarcasm:

… it feels great to Become One with the instrument again [Again?—Ed.]

At times Ermintrude/Algernon can be rather too literal:

Call me a nerd [You’re a nerd—Ed.], but taxonomy and indexing can be so funky…

Under this constant bombardment, I sometimes get a tad shirty at the editor’s comments:

I climbed aboard at Chiswick High Road to find an old codger [Around your age?—Ed.] [Look, I’ve warned you about this—SJ]

I’m always intoxicated [Now read on—Ed.] [That’s enough of your lip—SJ] by the mood of Irish music.

But in all, I feel most fortunate to have such a tolerant editor, something of a kindred spirit…[Philately will get you nowhere—Ed.] [Hey, that’s my line!—SJ]


At least no confusion in proofreading arises such as befell Guangdong Arts and Crafts when preparing their half-page advertisement for the China Daily:

cliché

Snacking with a rapper in Istanbul

Eminonu

Readers will be familiar with the way my warped mind works, so now that I’m in Istanbul again, to follow our visit to a wood-turner in Tophane, I can’t help imagining taking brunch with a celebrated rapper near the Galata bridge, as reported in the local press:

Menemen with Eminem in Eminönü

Menemen

Delighting as I do in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse, following my new acquaintance with Turkish–German rap [Yeah right—Ed.], I would gladly share a bowl of menemen with the great man himself—here he is live in Istanbul in 2012:

And it’s not just me—many men * as well as Onumonu, striker of the Nigerian woman’s football team, might manage a minimal menemen with Eminem in Eminönü.

For a roundup of wacky headlines, both real and imaginary, click here.


* Gender-neutral language sacrificed at the altar of euphony—Ed.

Anatolian bards rock

The Dutch–Turkish retro Anatolian psychedelic rock band (YAY!) Altın Gün (“Golden day”; wiki; YouTube channel), headed by singer Merve Daşdemir, have recently been nominated for a Grammy for their arrangements of Turkish songs from the 60s and 70s (see e.g. here and here).

Altin Gun

In their albums Gece (2019) and album Yol (2021), Altın Gün pay tribute to great folk musicians of yesteryear such as Aşık Veysel and Neşet Ertaş—both solo bards accompanying their songs on bağlama plucked lute, and both the subjects of several documentaries in Turkish. I hope, perhaps vainly, that Altın Gün’s celebrity will prompt fans to go back to the original songs.

Asik Veysel

Aşık Veysel (1894–1973) was a celebrated Alevi blind bard (wiki; YouTube topic; see Thomas Korovinis’ chapter here, and note Metin Erksan’s 1952 biopic). Let’s compare some of his original songs with Altin Gün’s versions.

Derdimi Dökersem (“If I pour my troubles into the deep stream…”):

Anlatmam Derdimi Dertsiz insana (“I cannot tell my troubles to one who knows not what trouble is”):

Kara Toprak (“Black earth”)—Aşık Veysel on a 1969 TV programme:

 Neset Ertas

Neşet Ertaş (wiki; YouTube playlists here and here) was an abdal sage from the Turkmen community.

Kesik Çayır:

Bulunur mu:

Some related posts in my mystifyingly extensive series on Turkish culture include Jazz in Turkey, Turkish jazz in London, Some Kurdish bards, New sounds from Anatolia, and Aynur.

Some recent themes

I never know which of my diverse topics will prove popular. In a way I’m not bovvered—you don’t spend half your life doing fieldwork on Daoist ritual if you’re hoping to be an overnight TikTok sensation. Like Flann O’Brian, I write largely

without regard to expense or the feelings of the public.

Still, I sometimes find it perplexing when one post gets a lot of readers while another related one goes down like a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party.

For instance, Shamans in the two Koreas went modestly viral, whereas readers were underwhelmed when I reposted my roundup of essays on Spirit mediums in China. Would that be because the word “shaman” is clickbait—or is it that North Korea seems more exotic than the PRC?

My lengthy reflections on the new British Museum exhibition China’s hidden century have been well received, with many instances of the wealth of material on the late Qing that can be gained from fieldwork among local rural traditions. Just as fascinating is the life of Nadine Hwang—her high-flying early life in Beijing and Paris, then meeting her partner Nelly Mousset-Vos in the hell of Ravensbrück, and living together in Caracas after their release.

To my chagrin, rather few readers seem to share my enthusiasm for either WAM or pop music—both Beethoven’s Op.109 sonata and Mr Sandman are utterly captivating!

Similarly under-subscribed are my posts on tennis (e.g. Cocomania, A glorious playlist for Emma and Leylah, and the wacky linguistic fantasy Ogonek and Til), along with the genius of Ronnie O’Sullivan on the baize. Hey-ho.

And Love, Deutschmarks, and death is just as fascinating a film as Jazz in Turkey. Thankfully my film about the Li family Daoists, the original raison-d-être of this whole wacky pot-pourri, continues to find viewers.

Just saying, like… I’ll just keep on rabbiting on about things that inspire me.

Man in hat sits on chair

JPM Daoist
Daoist ritual in the Jin ping mei: click here.

Like the Great Plague and the Cultural Revolution, the Coronation is history, whether we like it or not. My flimsy excuse for adding to the endless discussions is that it reminded me of China—the role of Daoist and Buddhist ritual in propping up the status quo, and the way that peasants too buy into the “imperial metaphor” (see also Catherine Bell on ritual, including state ritual). I can be mildly impressed by the opulence of grand Chinese or Ottoman ceremonies, but being English I have more of a right to query the validity of our own.

The Anglican Church—another irrelevance to a growing segment of the population—plays a major role in “legitimising” the charade of the Divine Right. Yet again Monty Python and the Holy Grail comes to mind:

I didn’t know we ’ad a king—I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Awed deference is only to be expected from the BBC, toeing the Party line, but even on Channel 4 interviewees mustered platitudes, with Cathy Newman making a futile effort to feed them with alternative viewpoints. Nor could one expect usually sensible critics of irrational power like Justin Welby to demur. “Defender of all faiths” my arse. The only clue to God’s feelings on the matter came from the way it rained on the parade.

Still, nothing can detract from the sheer exhilaration of Zadok the Priest—tastefully reworked by Andrew Lloyd Webber in a benign gesture of inclusivity:

Zak the Used-Car Dealer and Nat the Bruiser (know wot I’m sayin’, right) bigged up Solly King of Da Hood, YO

Meanwhile chez the Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati (and I confess to making a vegetarian mapo tofu the other day—soon to be grounds for detainment without trial), some articles played it safe (“Immaculately rehearsed, touching, and Shakespearean”, or this on ritual). Compared to 1953, ritual elements are well detailed here, with an outline here of economic differences and similarities (growth and living standards; quality of life; housing; technology; public finances).

1953

Coming back for more after the Queen’s funeral, many of the riff-raff, or “subjects” (including young and poor people) may have found the display of privilege utterly irrelevant, but others took time away from their “rather gratifying” food banks (apud The Haunted Pencil) to play their own dress-up with hats and bunting—Bread and Circuses.

After all, since Brexit we’re all rolling in money, eh? But the royals aren’t exactly short of a few bob—benefit claimants with the brass neck to go on about “service”. Service my arse. Bending over backwards to feign balance, another Guardian piece concluded

Whether multimillion-pound salaries and disdain for difficult questions can really unite and represent the values of a modern democracy remains to be seen.

Um, no it doesn’t. James Butler in the LRB saw right through the display. Yet among those whom the status quo benefits and harms, some support it, some resist; apathy too seems to cross class borders—I’d like to see figures broken down (“by age and sex”).

Taking the conservative viewpoint as read, I append a selection of further Guardian articles below. * One can always rely on Marina Hyde (losing it at “doubtless the world’s most important spoon”) and John Crace. And this teenage perspective is rather fine. There’s been ample coverage of “Commonwealth” perspectives too, such as Stephen Marche, Afua Hirsch, and David Olusoga, as well as Yasmin Poole on Channel 4.

Of course irony is a modern virtue, or vice, but when we study the grandeur of imperial Chinese ritual we rarely consider the perspectives of the lowly tofu-seller. In the words of Alan Bennett’s clergyman, Stuff This For A Lark. Private eye summed up my feelings:


* https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/may/06/it-was-ludicrous-but-also-magnificent-the-coronation-stirred-every-emotion
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/may/07/protesters-in-handcuffs-and-nonstop-bling-this-coronation-has-been-an-embarrassment
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/may/06/the-coronation-latest-instalment-of-britains-longest-running-costume-drama-is-a-bit-of-a-damp-squib
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/may/05/coronation-extravaganza-sits-badly-in-todays-britain
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/may/08/coronation-desperate-nation-rotten-system
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/may/06/royal-occasions-not-really-about-royals-we-love-our-own-reactions

Upper Lending

Library

During my current spell of homelessness, I’m spending some fruitful time in my local public library, which somehow makes a conducive environment to work on this amazing new film that I’m preparing about the 1995 New Year’s rituals in Gaoluo.

As I walk in, I’m always tickled pink [Best possible colour to be tickled—Ed.] by the sign

Lift to Upper Lending

which reminds me delightfully of both the elevator to eternity in The third policeman and (in Cold comfort farm) the fragrant Flora’s personal bible, The higher common sense by the Abbé Fausse-Maigre.

Upper Lending is not to be confused with Nether Wallop, or Little Trumpeted.

Titles spotted while randomly browsing the Religion & Mythology shelves:

The truth about angels
Low self-esteem
This girl is on fire

Decluttering

O M G, I’ve finally got round to having my decrepit little old house renovated…

First steps were to declutter most of the accumulated debris of the last six decades—a process that has occupied me intermittently over the last year or so. Even without the stimulus of needing to empty the house for the builders, it’s a wonderfully liberating experience to create space for a thorough purge of all the dirt, grime, and moth-ridden carpets. It feels sooo necessary to do this; it’s not just the physical space, it bestows great blessings for mental welfare. Even sorting through an ancient drawer is liberating. Marie Kondo is only the tip of the iceberg—and people will create their own mix of practical, psychological, and spiritual elements in all this. [1]

Clearly, the principle is to retain Stuff that one really values or needs—assessing what’s important to keep, useful (not so much “might come in handy one day”), or a meaningful part of one’s history. So I guess I’ve given away to charity shops about half of the books, clothes, and random baubles that have been filling my house for the last thirty years.

Those that remain I’ve packed away into boxes: still a zillion books (reduced from several gazillions), and a few clothes. As to the kitchen, I have a few pots and pans, but I’m resistant to gadgets—I thought I was being quite avant-garde when I got an electric kettle (cf. new-fangled Popular Beat Combos).

packing boxes

I may aspire to the Simple Life, but for one who keeps banging (or harping) on about musicking and performance in society, I have a ridiculous amount of books on music.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Some books I keep because it’s just possible I might still refer to them in my old age; others because I find them significant for my personal story. My Chinese collection is the crux; working through them affords an opportunity to reflect on the way my fieldwork and concerns have evolved. Some books I give away without qualms; others I keep largely out of sentimental attachment. The CHIME library in Heidelberg has taken many volumes, including Li Shigen’s mimeographs, precious to me, at least (see Some precious Chinese sources).

I’ve tried to assess my collection of the great Anthology of folk music of the Chinese peoples, far from complete, but still extensive—saving only those volumes that are meaningful to me or that I might follow up. And how many crime novels by Philip Kerr, Michael Connelly, or Tony Hillerman do I really need?

In an age when CDs are becoming obsolete, I still find myself unable to dispose of quite a few, both world music and WAM. As to all my old photos (mainly from fieldwork), getting them digitised saves several shelves, but even my fieldnotes and A/V fieldtapes fill rather a lot of boxes—digitising them will make a major project for some enterprising archive. Suitably, among this collection are notes on the purification of the ritual arena, rousing prelude to Daoist rituals.

And so the coast is clear for the house to be taken apart and put back together again; by the autumn it will be a bijou Belvedere of Tenuous Vacuity 微虛觀, a kiosk among the gecekondu settlements nestling on the borders of Bedford Park (“Come and live in Chiswick, your statistical chance of survival is relatively high”). For the renovated loft/studio, click here.

Here’s another variation on the Ken Dodd song, for that uncle who’s got everything:

Emptiness

In this ambitious rebirth, I’m blessed to have such a brilliant team. Even Gary the Storage Guru is a source of wisdom and inspiration. Still, a builder trying to explain stuff to me like shutters and recessed bookcases is in a similar position to a neolithic handyman who calls on a caveman thinking about getting his cave spruced up a bit:

“These days something called a ‘house’ is catching on—maybe you’d like to try one of them…”

For the considerably later invention of the sandwich, see note here.

umbrella

Man having trouble with umbrella.

The upshot is that for the next few months I am an itinerant ashiq, a dervish of no fixed abode—albeit one currently obsessed with kitchen and bathroom design. I can hardly claim to aspire to the frugality of Hanshan and Shide, or the abnegation of the desert hermit; true ascetics would dispose of all their possessions and live happily surrounded by squalor, like the Tantric sadhus of Bengal. That’s clearly not where I’m at!

* * *

While my kitchen is relatively gadget-free, I find myself curiously attached to my little red trivet, because not only is trivet a cute word but it reminds me of yet another story from my Cambridge mentor Paul Kratochvil:

When a well-meaning friend gave him one (double entendre not unintentional) for his birthday—an arty triangular one—he made suitably gratified noises, but was bemused. Back home with his wife, he looked at it again and mused, “WTF? I don’t even play snooker!”


[1] Among copious research, see e.g.
https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/psychology-stuff-and-things
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X20301573?via=ihub#bib0015
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-017-9679-4
(“Clutter problems led to a significant decrease in satisfaction with life among older adults. Findings suggest that general procrastination tendencies may enable a lifelong pattern of responses to one’s environment that become increasingly maladaptive throughout the life cycle—simultaneously delaying disposal decisions”),

Rogers teddy bear
and, on attachment security and material culture (with the WWI Rogers teddy bear a star exhibit),
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1751696X.2018.1433355.
More popular articles include
https://www.housebeautiful.com/uk/lifestyle/storage/a23078617/cluttered-home-stress-mental-health/
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190515-can-decluttering-your-house-really-spark-joy.

This note indebted, like most things, to Augusta…

How to waste time

Jesus
Note:
Bazunu quite rightly at the feet of Jesus—although like John Wayne,
he could do with more Awe. And I’m no theologian, but shouldn’t it be Jesus who saves?
Of course, headline writers licked their lips when Jesus took a penalty for Man City
against Burnley, who had Nick Pope in goal:
Pope saves from Jesus
For many more such headlines, see Jesus jokes.

Arsenal have been keeping everyone guessing recently. Against Southampton last Friday night, they had a cunning plan: going 2-0 up in the first half in their two previous games hadn’t worked out for them, so why not try going 2-0 down instead?

Walking home from the pub after the first half to follow the match on the Guardian live feed, it wasn’t so much that I gave up on them; rather, I just couldn’t stand the anxiety. Back in 2005, like most people, I did give up on Liverpool when they played AC Milan in the Champions League final in “the miracle of Istanbul”; watching in a central London pub, they were 3-0 down at half time, so I took the tube home disconsolately, but as I got home I switched on the TV aimlessly only to find (WTF) the match was still going on—they were playing extra time—AND LIVERPOOL WON ON PENALTIES!!!

Rob Smyth’s live comments in the Guardian are always drôle. Some gems from Friday night’s match:

54 min “To adapt a silly Terry Venables line,” * begins David Howell, “there are two ways for Arsenal to win the title this season. One is retroactively via City getting an FFP sanction, and that’s the only way.”
[*original line: There are two ways of getting the ball. One is from your own team-mates, and that’s the only way.”]

With Southampton ahead, their goalkeeper Bazunu (who I wasn’t quite expecting to be called Gavin—cf. the classic nickname for Kiki Musampa) engaged in serial time-wasting:

59 min A ricochet almost runs kindly for Jesus in the six-yard box, but Bazunu pounces on the ball and then whips out War and Peace to read another chapter before kicking the ball downfield. He still hasn’t been booked.

68 min Ward-Prowse, Bella-Kotchap and Caleta-Car: the double-barrelled goal that may have put one right between the eyes of Arsenal’s title challenge. [Cf. Compound surnames in Chinese and English.]

Just as well I’m not a hardcore Arsenal fan, more of a Wenger nostalgist with a penchant for Jesus jokes. Maybe tomorrow night they can lull City into a false sense of security. I bet they regret not signing me now—a Zimmer frame can be jolly dangerous in the 6-yard box.

Strangely, this is part of an extensive series on sport, ritual, and gender (rounded up here)—including posts on the haka, Ronnie‘s astounding 147 break, and a fabulous world music playlist for Emma and Leylah

The Full English

full English

Partial as I am to a very occasional fry-up (see the great Cieran Carson on The fry-up and the music of time, and Health-food options), I’m always somewhat disturbed by the expression, now obligatory, “full English breakfast”. So I was intrigued to read this history of the term.

The earliest use seems to date only from an article by A.H. Adair in 1933—also including the koan-esque comment

There is something to be said for the “apple a day” theory, only it need not always be an apple.

1953 breakfast
1953. Source.

The “full English breakfast” appeared more often during World War Two, and became common by the 1950s. It always makes me wonder about a partial English—which admittedly is available in the form of bacon and eggs, and so on. It’s the regimented fixity that disturbs me; even when the menu offers a choice, it’s flawed by being given a soulless number, like A2 or B5… Few caffs are so flexible as to allow diners to compose their own (“a leg of pheasant, some kumquats, and hash browns, please”)—cf. the diner scene in Five easy pieces.

I find the chummy shorthand “full English” just as disconcerting. I think also of the Christmas dinner with “all the trimmings”—has anyone ever presented “some of the trimmings”? And then there’s the alternative of the mealy-mouthed “continental breakfast” (C3), when one feels somehow cheated of the wealth and variety of European cuisine…

I write from a typical Chiswick café, far from a transport caff, where I choke over the sign

Spring filter, with notes of stone fruit, bergamot, & praline.

This gobbledygook is compounded by “notes”, as well as the ampersand (which I have pedantically queried in The Mamas & the Papas, and the CD Gilad Atzmon & the Orient House Ensemble). What Are We Coming To?

For other surprisingly recent expressions, see What’s the craic?, and The Irish pub session. Other posts on cuisine include In the kitchen, and (with further links) this sequel. For the touring muso’s dream of the perfect restaurant without sign or menu, click here. Further reflections on Being English are rounded up here.

An unwitting soundbite

Blair
Tony Blair announcing the signing of the Good Friday Agreement alongside Bertie Ahern.

Good to see that Tony Blair was soon alerted to the contradiction in his classic comment before the Good Friday peace deal in 1998:

A day like today is not a day for soundbites, we can leave those at home—but I feel the hand of history upon our shoulder with respect to this, I really do.

Having “served up a juicy soundbite in the very same sentence he had warned against them” (as his advisors Jonathan Powell and Alastair Campbell pointed out immediately “in fits of giggles“), Blair was able to enjoy the irony in an interview some twenty years later:

Cf. Blazing saddles:

For all his faults (notably the Iraq debacle), Blair had considerable charm and intelligence. Which is way more than one can say about any of the evil, lying, self-serving, shameless, xenophobic rabble who still inexplicably hold this country hostage—as many senior Tories can recognise.

On growing (or shrinking) old

As I approach 70 (WTF), at last I think I can begin using this line with impunity:

live this long

Quote investigator researches the genesis of the saying with typical aplomb. The germ of the idea can be traced back to around 1770, but the precise formulation was first recorded in 1951, with candidates such as Billie Noonan, Adolph Zukor, Eubie Blake, and Mickey Mantle.

Cf. “If I had all the money I’ve spent on drink, I’d spend it on drink“.

On a related note,

What do we want?
More research on Alzheimer’s!
When do we want it?
Want what?

For the other end of Life’s Journey, see here.

Endeavour: recreation

Movie directors still seem undaunted by the perils of trying to evoke orchestral life. The movie Tár has prompted a range of reactions, while recognising Cate Blanchett’s outstanding characterisation. [1]

Putting weightier matters to one side, while Inspector Morse was very fine (I always giggle at Alan Partridge’s suave dictum: “Think about it—no-one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse”). The prequel Endeavour (written by Russell Lewis), now on its ninth series, has been received with just as much enthusiasm. 

In the first episode of the latest series, Prelude, evoking orchestral life in 1972, after the principal violinist’s rosin is doctored with nuts, prompting a fatal anaphylactic reaction, a murky world of intrigue is revealed. Now, contretemps were not unknown within our orchestral world, but I’m not aware of anyone doctoring our rosin with nuts, or indeed our nuts with rosin (someone else, perhaps inspired by Nicolas Magriel’s work on the sarangi, might do a cross-cultural study of rosin for fiddle bows).

To follow his review of Philharmonia, Stuart Heritage welcomes the new episode; as he observes,

everybody, not just the violinists, is highly strung, has a silly name, and expresses themselves with rococo hubris or self-contempt.

The musical clichés are well-worn—like the ill-fated leader flaunting her superiority over the blokey men and frumpy women of the rank-and-file, and the supercilious, domineering conductor, complete with beard and cravat:

“Must I remind you, the lives of such as we are defined by sacrifice?”
Glam protégée soloist: “Other girls had friends, parties, fun—I had a rehearsal room.”

For all my musical cavils, the script and the acting are Jolly Good.  Just as Early Music gets later all the time, Endeavour is part of a rich seam of period pieces evoking life only a few decades ago. It’s not just about clothes, of course—cars, kitchens, you name it. Cf. Molvania:

Molvania 3

The episode is based on the City of Oxford Orchestra, founded in 1965. This was just the kind of milieu that I grew up in, taking part in amateur and semi-professional orchestras. But while I have a few images of what we Chinese students at Cambridge were wearing in the early 1970s, and of course there are plenty of photos for London professional orchestras (in both performance and rehearsal), it made me realise that even in 1972 Cambridge, I have only a hazy idea of what we musos actually looked like. How many of us even had a camera? Even for us nerds, taking photos was still rather nerdy. Besides, it was a bit of a faff: it might take months to use up a whole roll of film, and then you had to take it down to the chemists to be developed…

So I have no photos of my amateur youth orchestral life in the 60s. On the National Youth Orchestra website we can find an occasional image of a concert or rehearsal, but there’s a dearth of less formal photos of our summer courses, or the visits with Boulez to the Edinburgh Festival and the Proms (cf. this article, and The shock of the new)—a far cry from the embarras de richesse on social media today.

St Austell
Before a concert at the St Austell festival, Cornwall, c1973.
Me (FWIW) in middle row, 7th from right.

As a reminder that not everyone was dressing like Jimi Hendrix (we weren’t such an exotic 60s’ tribe), Endeavour lovingly recreates the range of sartorial choices at the time—Posh People, poseurs, hippies, jobsworths, and so on.

Good exchange between Morse and PC Plod:

Plod: “So, how was the West then matey? All pasties and scrumpy?”
Morse [studiously]: “I was mostly following in Hardy’s footsteps.”
Plod [confidently]: “Were you? There’s another fine mess eh!”

For more period crime drama from post-war Britain, I enjoyed Grantchester, both the TV series and the novels—again gently probing the tensions within a changing society, of which I was largely unaware at the time…

For more orchestral cliches, click here; cf. clichés of Chinese music.


[1] E.g.
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2022/sep/01/tar-review-cate-blanchett-is-colossal-as-a-conductor-in-crisis
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/jan/11/tar-review-cate-blanchett-is-perfect-lead-in-delirious-sensual-drama
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/06/movies/tar-review.html
https://www.indiewire.com/2023/01/tar-conductor-marin-alsop-slams-film-anti-woman-1234797612/
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2023/jan/16/thank-you-cate-blanchett-for-taking-up-the-baton-for-female-conductors
https://theconversation.com/tar-an-exploration-of-the-flawed-musicians-behind-decadent-music-197714
https://mubi.com/notebook/posts/the-limits-of-control-lines-of-power-in-todd-field-s-tar?twclid=28sry1zxixpvjct4pxpula7ma

New Orleans brass bands

Eureke 1955
The Eureka band, 1955. Source

Having long rejoiced in the bands heard on the 2 glorious CDs Frozen brass ( Nepal, India, Indonesia, Philippines, Ghana, Surinam, Bolivia, Peru!), it’s high time for me to get a basic education on the brass bands of New Orleans. [1]

The early years
After the Civil War and Emancipation, black civilian bands began to emerge, their style inspired by both European-style military bands and the ring shout of African slaves at the Sunday gatherings in Congo square. Organised by labor unions, social aid and pleasure clubs (the Perseverance Benevolent and Mutual Aid Association was founded as early as 1783), they would perform on parades for feast days like Mardi Gras, and play hymns and dirges on funeral processions.

By the early 20th century, new instruments, sounds, and styles were transforming the musical landscape. Early groups included the Excelsior (1879–1931) and Camelia bands. Perhaps most celebrated is

  • the Eureka brass band (wiki; YouTube topic) (1920–75); here’s a brief clip from 1951:

Excerpts from 1952 to 1963:

Some more footage:

and Westlawn dirge, 1961:

Since the 1960s
By the early 1960s, despite concerns that the tradition was in decline, New Orleans brass bands enjoyed a renaissance, gaining wider celebrity through tourism, heritagification, and touring. As new generations were trained, the stylistic spectrum broadened. Among the more traditional groups:

and

  • the Original Liberty jazz band, founded by Michael White in 1981—here they are in a 2015 recording for Smithsonian Folkways:

  • The Olympia band, led by Harold Dejan and Milton Batiste, was a major training ground.  Here they are in 1982:

Soul Rebels
The Soul rebels. Source.

and by the early 80s, groups were incorporating hip-hop and funk into their repertoire, like the Rebirth band,

Moreover,

For more brass bands, besides Frozen brass, do explore the Balkan scene (under Musical cultures of east Europe), Brassed off, and even the bands accompanying saeta ritual songs in Andalucia; for China, e.g. the Shaanbei big band sound. See also, Trumpets, wind and brass bands, and A jazz medley.


[1] Besides studies like

  • William J. Schafer, Brass bands and New Orleans jazz (1977)
  • Richard Knowles, Fallen heroes: a history of New Orleans brass bands (1996), and
  • Mick Burns, Keeping the beat on the street: the New Orleans brass band renaissance (2006),

note e.g. the Hogan Archive, a CD series from Smithsonian Folkways (e.g. this), as well as articles here and here. This article leads to four videos (starting here) that make a succinct introduction, along with an outline of the style’s rhythmic foundations (NB this virtual exhibition, with great photos and audio reminiscences). 

Wiki articles include
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jazz_funeral
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_shout
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_band#New_Orleans
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_line_(parades)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mardi_Gras_in_New_Orleans.
See also
https://beyondthedash.com/blog/cultural-spotlight/jazz-funerals-a-new-orleans-goodbye/7363.

Trailer for a thriller

TA thriller

Usually I shrug off airline safety videos like everyone else, but for some reason I’m mesmerised by the Turkish Airlines creation, which indeed transpires to be a classic of the genre:

Accustomed as we are In This Day and Age to searching for suggestive clues in tiny scenes, I can’t help regarding it as the trailer for a thriller [*Spoiler Alert*].

The opening—apparently taunting us real, frazzled passengers after we have finally managed to jostle our way on board, searching desperately for a space where we can cram our unwieldy luggage—shows a typically contented nuclear family (man, woman, and young boy) boarding what appears to be a private jet, with no queue at all.

At least, we assume the boy is theirs. The way the woman pushes him “playfully” towards his seat may suggest some kind of coercion; the man, typically, is relieved of tedious “parental” chores by craftily choosing a seat behind them.

They all have the most enormous eyes and pupils—a genetic trait amazingly also found in the flight attendant. In an editorial sleight-of-hand that may confuse, two tantalising scenes (0.31, and 2.31) show cameos of a different mother, with a toddler; and her eyes are suspiciously concealed from the viewer—could she perhaps be free of the outsized-eye syndrome? But is she another member of the international child-trafficking gang?

At 1.00, frustrated by his new domestic routine (even if it’s only a front), the vacuous man, in a vain attempt to flirt with the flight attendant (the frustrated middle-aged husband’s classic cry for attention), attempts a comedy juggling routine with his mobile (cf. Mark Heap, at the end of this clip). When it goes wrong, the attendant ignores his request with a polished, patronising smile; she seems to be a ventriloquist, though we’re not provided with subtitles (“Serves you right, you posh vacuous tosser. Have a nice day!”).

At 1.42 we at last get a glimpse of the only other two passengers on board. One, a shifty spectacled guy in a suit and tie, perhaps a CIA operative, looks round nervously to keep tabs on the cunningly-disguised family.

Besides being suspiciously skinny, the “family” are all blissed out, suggesting massive drug intake—even the captive boy conveys a jovial air, whether he’s been pumped full of heroin or because they’ve threatened him into keeping up the facade.

Even when there’s a SUDDEN LOSS OF CABIN PRESSURE OMG they remain eerily calm. “Oh cool, we’re all gonna plunge to a watery grave trapped in this burning coffin!” (cf. When you are engulfed in flames). The man is clearly delighted to have an excuse to inhale more drugs via the mask. The only thing that does seem to alarm him at first is that he can’t take his cabin luggage full of high heels, sharp objects, and smuggled diamonds with him—but the drugs are kicking in, and he soon regains his composure. If it’s realism you want, try Airplane (“Assume the crash position”):

Or did they know about the fake crash-landing all along—is it an ingenious attempt to escape the clutches of the CIA? I wonder if the elusive Woman with Normal Eyes, with her decoy toddler, will play a crucial role as the plot develops after they are rescued by a lurking mafia gunboat.

Apart from the captive passengers and my own deranged fantasies, one wonders about the psychology of the 1.8 million people who have watched the video on YouTube so far (Roll Over Godard), and the many who comment on it (“What am I doing watching this at 3am in my nan’s house? I don’t even have a passport!”).

I was less impressed by the soothing music, sadly not a taksim on the kanun or a rousing dance for davulzurna—but there I go again, orientalising…

It was less of a challenge to interpret the phrases in Teach yourself Japanese as the plot of a horror movie.

TA’s earlier flight of fantasy is also most creative:

And here’s a cute safety demo from Pegasus:

More muzak: ice-cream vans and garbage trucks

Ice cream van

Further to my post on Muzak, at a certain remove from traditional scholarship on the Great Composers or Daoist ritual, a couple of examples of how ethnomusicology “delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse”, in the immortal words of John Cleese.

Back in the heady days of the SOAS shawm band, my mate Simon (not to be confused with Philomena Cunk’s mate Paul, bane of many a hapless expert interviewee) took time out from his research on percussion in Korean shaman rituals to undertake a fieldwork project about the music of British ice-cream vans. Like Liu Kuang’s Wall inscription for the Director of the Imperial Music Office in the Tang dynasty, the loss of this work is to be lamented, but Simon recalls driving around in his parents’ Morris Minor with the window down in the peak of summer, listening out for ice-cream chimes:

After picking up the tell-tale sounds, I’d pursue the van until it stopped (if it wasn’t already stationary), park nearby, buy an ice-cream, and hover around until the queue had disappeared. Then I’d approach, briefly summarise my project, and conduct my semi-structured interview—designed to elicit all the van owner’s experiences and thoughts regarding chimes. Only a small minority of owners declined. Most were eager to talk. I remember a couple of responses especially clearly: a huge Italian man threw up his arms and said “Of course I like the music. If you don’t like-a da music you don’t like-a da ice-cream”; another guy said something along the lines of “Honestly, it’s a nightmare. I get home and the tune is still going round and round in my head—sometimes I can’t sleep”. Someone else had removed the usual tinkly ice-cream chime and had rigged up a huge stereo system blaring out jungle music. Nowadays, it seems that the chimes are UK-made [see below], but back then, I remember people telling me that they typically bought Swiss-made music boxes. One man did things rather differently, having a special box made for his fleet of vans that played a Welsh hymn in a computer game beeping kind of style (he was servicing a patriotic rural area in the valleys). The van owners made some interesting comments about territory too—how they would listen out for others’ chimes as they drove around, making sure not to get too close.

A Guardian article by Laura Barton from 2013 reminds us of the distinctive sounds of the British summer, like the low, sweet call of the wood-pigeon and the distant sound of leather on willow. Some history:

The earliest chimes were operated like a music box and fitted with a magnetic pickup and amplifier. It wasn’t until 1958 that transistors transformed the van chime, along with amplifiers that could be fitted to the vehicle’s battery. Traditional British ice-cream vans have tended to use Grampian Horn loudspeakers, angled downwards, towards the road, to diffuse the sound, and though the technology has improved sound quality, the distinctive tinniness of the ice-cream van’s call is largely regarded with affection.

This sounds like a candidate for the nostalgia of Memory Lane UK. Now, indeed,

in a move that has brought jubilation to the ice-cream industry, chimes can play for up to twelve seconds rather than four; and once every two minutes, instead of three. Vans may also now chime while stationary.

YAY! Although this ruling is not actually to be blamed on the bureaucrats of Brussels, it’s just the kind of victory in which the Minister for the 18th century would exult—apparently evidence of the staggering success of Brexit (Yeah Right), liberation from the yoke of Brussels red tape, along with the right to feast on bendy bananas.

As to repertoire, a representative of MicroMiniatures, leading company for the manufacture of the chimes, explained that among the most popular tunes are O sole mio, Greensleeves, and Match of the day, as well as Jerusalem, The stripper (um…), Nessun dorma, Cherry ripe, and Waltzing Matilda (the BTL comments to this 22-minute (!) YouTube compilation open with a list; for further detail, click here).

John Bonar of Piccadilly Whip [Ah, the coy innuendo of British punning!] commented, “We’ve just always used the Pied Piper since the start, so all the vans we order come with that tune. You get pretty sick of it. But whatever tune you’d have you’d get pretty tired of it.”

If you find 22 minutes a tad excessive, there’s quite an array of more succinct medleys on YouTube, such as this:

The sonority makes me wonder if Indonesian ice-cream vans borrow from the gamelan…

* * *

For Taiwan, in a refreshing change from studies of ancient nanguan ballads, another recent Guardian article explores the island’s musical garbage trucks. Recycling (sic) research dating back many years, a recent article by Chinese-music scholar

addresses the topic in detail.

Garbage in Taiwan is at the centre of a musical assemblage that resonates beyond the confines of the nightly waste collection soundscape. Garbage trucks in Taiwan are musical: Beethoven’s Für Elise or Tekla Bądarzewska-Baranowska’s Maiden’s Prayer announce the garbage truck brigade’s arrival at designated times and places throughout urban Taipei. Neighbours stream into the street for a turn at depositing their pre-sorted waste into the proper receptacles. Taiwan’s semi-tropical climate, combined with a densely situated human population and the presence of well established rat and cockroach populations, makes garbage management a matter of daily urgency.

Guy traced Taiwan’s pop music “from the early 1980s through to the present as evidence of ways in which everyday habits and practices of reckoning with waste have seeped into a wide range of sensibilities”.

Despite efforts to diversify the repertoire, it has remained far more limited than that of British ice-cream vans. A maiden’s prayer was preloaded onto trucks bought from Japan in the 1960s, and has remained strangely tenacious. The other dominant tune is Beethoven’s Für Elise, apparently preloaded onto trucks bought from Germany.  Now embedded in the Taiwanese psyche, the sound of the garbage trucks has been incorporated into modern Taiwanese culture:

And I would heartily concur with

“Whenever I hear Für Elise, I feel like I need to take out the garbage as well”

—a sentiment you may even experience when listening to a recent version for the Yuzhang Daoist  Music Troupe.

To my ears the stark monophony of this limited repertoire sounds more alien, even sinister, than our jovial ice-cream-van jingles—but I quite recognise that they serve different contexts, so maybe I’m just orientalising… And while these instances may be considered muzak in the broad sense of manipulating behaviour, they serve to alert the community—closer to the use of muzak in 1950s’ factories than to the subliminal aural conditioning that anaesthetises us in elevators or shopping malls.

Cf. Thinking outside the (music) box, What is serious music?!, The art of the miniature, and even The call to prayer.

Roundup for 2022!

Like a suburban Sisyphus doing and undoing a jigsaw, having gone to great lengths to mix up the daily sequence of my diverse topics in a stimulating fashion, it’s that time of year when I try and reassemble them into some kind of thematic order (cf. 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021). In September I essayed a handy roundup of roundups, covering some of this ground; and in November I listed Some recent *MUST READ* posts. As ever, in the sidebar you can consult the tags and categories, and even the monthly archive (scrolling waaay down); the homepage still provides useful orientation.

Disturbingly, the items featured below are just a selection, but do click away on all the links…

Perhaps I can begin with a story that combines several of my interests:

While I can’t quite claim to have won the World Cup for Argentina,

and I’m exceptionally fond of

  • Ogonek and Til, for fans of tennis, fado, and Noh drama—wacky diacritics and nasal vowels, with matching anagram and limericks.

Meanwhile I seem to have recovered from being a Ticking Time-bomb:

* * *

China:

And it’s always worth reminding you of my film on the Li family Daoists, and this roundup of posts on them, as well as my work on Gaoluo village.

Tibet (updated roundup), including

I also update my collected posts on Uyghur culture, including

Turkey features prominently in my Roundup of posts on west-central Asia, as I try to educate myself (and even this is only a selection):

leading on to

and William Dalrymple:

Some posts on Ukraine (Applebaum, Snyder, Sands), also linking to

As to other world music,

An Irish music medley, including recent entries:

North Indian music (collected posts):

Jazz (roundup of another extensive series) (Turkish jazz listed above):

And then:

Western Art Music: among this year’s posts on Bach (updated roundup) are

Mahler: my whole series is now listed here, with recent additions

Also

Society, religion, ritual:

A mélange of other topics:

New entries in A Sporting medley include

Drôlerie:

Well, that’ll keep you busy—as a reward, in future perhaps I’ll try posting every three days, rather than every other day, and I might even reblog earlier posts a tad less avidly—not wishing to try your patience (“You must come over and try mine sometime”—Groucho).

In memoriam Bird and Fortune

Bird and Fortune

John Bird died this week, nine years after his sketch partner John Fortune. Having teamed up in the heady days of British satirical shows in the 1960s, they had a glorious new lease of life working with Rory Bremner from 1989.

So to follow the classic “You say potato” sketch (“on the perils of over-reliance on the written text”, as I suggested), here’s a playlist for their George Parr interviews, satirising ministers, diplomats, generals—more apposite today than ever:

Among my highlights there are the Washington diplomat (#2), the Home Office minister (#7), the British businessman in China (#8), and the merchant banker (#14). Alternating roles, they nail the establishment’s inane, complacent sense of entitlement, the blithe insouciance with which they barely bother to conceal the iniquity of their stances. All this can be heard on the lips of many a “government” representative today—this interview could almost be a verbatim transcript of the current Tory position on immigration and asylum:

Or this:

I don’t like the word xenophobic, it suggests irrational prejudice… Of course it’s a Greek word, and I detest Greeks.

The handmaid’s tale, Season 5

Handmaid 5

Just in time for a merry dystopian Christmas (as if Bambi isn’t enough), the latest season of The handmaid’s tale (for the previous series, click here) has just finished airing on Channel 4—ever more relevant not just amidst the struggle of women in Iran and the further curtailment of women’s right in Afghanistan, but closer to home, since the overturning of Roe v Wade.

Series 5 still steers clear of The testaments, Margaret Atwood’s update to her original novel. It hinges on the mutual dependence of June and Serena after they find themselves crossing paths again in Toronto—no longer such a safe haven amidst the changing dynamics of anti-refugee sentiment and murky diplomacy. As June reminds the saintlike Luke,

“America wasn’t Gilead until it was, and then it was too fucking late.”

Developments in Gilead itself now play a subsidiary role, driven mainly by the manipulations of Commander Lawrence and Aunt Lydia, suggesting a more media-savvy image for the Christo-fascist regime. While the constant degradations have long become over-familiar (and I remain dubious about the way both sides sanctify motherhood as the ultimate moral yardstick), the plot remains compelling. The ending is contrived, but I’m still looking forward to the next season…

Some Chinese posters and pinups

In 1993, as I plunged deeper into fieldwork on ritual associations in rural Hebei, while staying at a dingy hostel in Laishui county-town I was struck by this graphic public information poster from the local Public Security Bureau:

Poster LaishuiThis detail is particularly fine:

Poster Laishui detail
Caption:
Don’t casually drop cigarette-butts or rubbish, and don’t spit all over the place;
maintain cleanliness inside and outside the dwelling.

More precisely, and indecorously, I may add that tutan 吐痰 encompasses the staggeringly common habit of emptying one’s throat via the nose onto the ground, generally with a loud and dramatic flourish—a sound that accompanies some of my finest recordings of ritual performance. At the time it didn’t look as if campaigns against the tradition would have much effect.

Moving swiftly on, political posters have long been a popular topic, but travelling down to the countryside, some intrepid art historian might care to make a diachronic and regional survey of pinups adorning the otherwise bare homes of poor peasants since the 1980s’ reforms, which cheerfully rub shoulders with family photos, posters of Party leaders, and images of deities like Guanyin. I found this montage on the wall of a home in Gaoluo village around 1993:

Pinups Gaoluo

Pinups often make a drôle backdrop to our portraits of wise old folk musicians, like this 1995 image of vocal liturgist Li Yongshu in Yixian county nearby:

Li Yongshu, Baoquan 1995

Here’s a selection from Shaanbei, heartland of the Chinese revolution, in 1999:

All this by contrast with the god images that adorn the ritual building at New Year—Gaoluo again (see here, part of a series on Ritual paintings of north China):

Gaoluo 1989For more recent Uncle Xi pinups, and incentives to display them, see God images old and new, 2—sequel to an article that features murals adorning kang brick-beds dating from just after the reforms of the late 1970s.

ZQ meinv

The Time Regulation Institute

Time Reg cover

I’ve been delighting in

A fine satire on the alienation of modern bureaucracy, the novel was published in full after being serialised from 1954.

Born in adversity, the narrator Hayri İrdal becomes apprentice to the wise old clock repairer Nuri Efendi, and spends time (sic) performing in improvisatory theatre groups (“I was living in a world of lies and illusion, and that was all I wanted”). Returning to Istanbul after army service in World War One (“four years spent in vain”), he is indolent and indifferent to everything around him. The Viennese-trained psychoanalyst Dr Ramiz, himself “the incarnation of discontent”, relishes his case, but expects more from him:

“I want you to have dreams that are more in line with your illness. Do you understand me? Use everything in your power to have the right kind of dreams.” […] All this contributed to my moving that much closer to bona fide insanity.

Dr Ramiz introduces Hayri İrdal to a coffeehouse, where he delights in telling stories with the regulars, as life was suspended.

New ideas were at first humoured out of courtesy and a slight curiosity, but they would remain unaddressed until the crowd’s ever-vigilant imagination had recast them as pleasantries, thus assimilating them to their own idiom. This is what happened to any attempt at serious conversation.

His family life is unfulfilling:

I detested the life I was living but lacked the strength to start another. I had severed all ties. I had no bonds with the world save for the compassion I felt for my children. I had no choice but to endure it all—or at least tolerate the world around me. The moment I set foot outside I was a prisoner of my wandering and endlessly colluding mind, which led me off to exotic worlds whose enticements beckoned, only to stay beyond my reach.

While he finds further distraction from his ennui in the Spiritualist Society, the model of the ascetic dervishes can’t help him solve problems stemming from his worldly concerns. At last he meets his mentor Halit Ayarci, with whom, amidst much partying, he hatches the concept of the Time Regulation Institute, a nepotistic institution that defines its own function.

At last Hayri İrdal has a “surging sense of purpose”. He spends his early months at the Institute devising platitudinous slogans and exchanging gossip. As Hayit Ayarci impresses his political contacts with arcane colour-coded charts, the Institute goes into full swing, recruiting suitably talentless employees from their relatives and drinking buddies.

Although Hayri İrdal has always preferred a life in which “idleness, or wasting time, is a source of happiness” (in Pankaj Mishra’s words), they devise a system of fines for those whose timepieces are not synchronised with any other clock in view.

When an inspector notified a citizen of his fine, the offender would initially express surprise, but upon apprehending the form logic behind the system, a smile would spread across his face until, at last understanding this was a serious matter, he would succumb to uproarious laughter.

He refines the system by offering a discount to repeat offenders. The staff expands as they set up Regulation Stations, “small roadside posts where ladies and gentlemen could stop in to adjust their timepieces”.

Gradually he eases into his new role:

I began to use terms like “modification”, “coordination”, “work structure”, “mind-set shift”, “metathought”, and “scientific mentality”…

He muses on freedom:

Today we use the word only in its political sense, and how unfortunate for us. […] The political pursuit of freedom can lead to its eradication on a grand scale—or rather it opens the door to countless curtailments. […] I have been made to understand that in our lifetime freedom has been kind enough to visit our country seven or eight times. Yes, seven or eight times, and no-one ever bothered to say when it left; but whenever it came back again, we would leap out of our seats in joy and pour into the streets to blow our horns and beat our drums.

Pondering the ever-growing roster of employees, Hayri İrdal suggests selecting those with experience, “people who have more or less worked for a certain period of time in a particular field”. Halit Ayarci rebuffs this idea:

“To be experienced means to be run down, frozen at some fixed point, and stuck with stagnant ideas. Such people are of no use to us.”

In a satire on Atatürk’s invention of tradition, after Hayri İrdal gives Halit Ayarci an account of the wonders of clock-making, though “never one for reading or writing”, he is persuaded to compose an entirely spurious biography of a 17th-century clockmaker, The life and works of Ahmet the Timely. His patron “was not at all mistaken when he divined the need for the illustrious Ahmet Zamani to have existed”, nor was he wrong when he assigned him to the reign of Mehmed IV.

Although a handful of armchair academics dismiss the work as a complete fabrication, it becomes a huge international success. Still, the enthusiasm of amiable Dutch scholar Van Humbert poses problems.

Finding the tomb of a man who never existed in mortal form is more difficult than you might imagine, as is surviving vigorous debate with a foreign scholar, even with the aid of an interpreter.

As Hayri İrdal becomes a celebrity, his wife joins in the deception with alacrity, embroidering a fantasy of their happy life together, to Hayit Ayarci’s delight:

To him, my continuing doubts about the existence of Ahmet the Timely and my rejection of my wife’s picture of me as a banjo-playing equestrian were all symptoms of the same malady.

“Your wife has presented you as the ideal modern man and still you doubt and deny it all!”

In a satire on the gullibility of the masses, Hayit Ayarci even concocts a successful singing career for our narrator’s tone-deaf sister-in-law:

You say she’s ugly, so from a contemporary point of view she’s sympathetic. You say her voice is wretched, which means it is emotive and conducive to certain styles. You say she has no talent—well then, without a doubt she is an original.

As the Institute extends its global reach, our hero designs a surreal clock-themed building in a satire on modernist architecture:

People moving up and down either wrought-copper staircase would be visible, as they would be encased in glass. I now saw I could arrange them diagonally across the centre of the hall to disrupt the traditional four leaf clover formation. Of course all the pillars—each one a little higher than the next—would be connected by little bridges so as to allow those moving up and down them to cross.

After a fractious final gathering, the Institute is consigned to continuous liquidation.

Fritz
Painting by Howard Fritz. Source.

* * *

Apart from evoking Kafka and Borges, I was reminded of the stories of Švejk and his creator Hašek (whose Party of Moderate and Peaceful Progress within the Limits of the Law was designed partly to bolster the finances of the pub where the election meetings were held), as well as Flann O’Brien, with his annotations on the ouevre of de Selby, and his All-Purpose Speech.

The 2013 translation is adorned by an excellent Introduction by Pankaj Mishra (cf. his review). Putting the novel in global context, he reflects on Atatürk’s cultural revolution and the developing world’s “feckless programme of Westernisation” in the pursuit of secular and rational ideals, where “the onwards-and-upwards narrative of progress, dictated by the state and embraced by a gullible people, has contaminated everything.” Adducing Russia, Japan, Iran, China, and India, Mishra notes a “tragic mismatch between the intentions of these hasty modernizers and the long historical experience of the societies they wanted to remake in the image of the modern West”. As in his 1939 novel A mind at peace, Tanpinar suggests the deracine sense of arriving late, spiritually destitute, bewildered by the “tawdry illusions of modernity”. Hayri İrdal—“one of those superfluous semimodern men familiar to us from Russian literature: more acted upon than active, simmering with inarticulate resentments and regrets”—“has a keen appreciation of the absurdities of the self-perpetuating and self‑justifying bureaucratic state that embodies progress and enlightenment in Turkey”.

For more Turkish fiction, see Madonna in a fur coat. See also under West/Central Asia: a roundup.

Vassalage

Goulet
The Treaty of Le Goulet. Source.

As an arcane warmup for the France–England match tomorrow: one of my favourite expressions, outstanding in its entitled pomposity, is this description of Teresa May’s Brexit plan from the patronising patrician lips of The Haunted Pencil:

the greatest vassalage since King John paid homage to Phillip II at Le Goulet in 1200.

JRM

The Tree-Frog should know—he was there. Yup, he sure knows how to Get Down with the Kids. So that’s what they teach them at Eton, when they’re not busy hurling racist and sexist abuse at girls visiting from a state school. I wouldn’t know, I only did Woodwork at Skibbereen Comprehensive. *

I’d love to slip the bon mot (oops) into a chat over a pint at the Aardvark and Climbing Boot, but so far even “vassalage” has proved beyond me. Still, it might work as a new model of car (“Tesla Vassalage SR”), or in a catchy pop lyric—an early draft by Ken Dodd, perhaps, interpreted in the suave tones of Wee-Smug himself:

Vassalage

With this government one doesn’t need such a long memory as Tree-Frog, whoever the Prime Minister is this week, presiding over “the greatest fiasco since the day before yesterday”. May we be released forthwith from this Tory vassalage!


* My attachment to Skibbereen goes back to a rainy evening fuelled by inordinate quantities of Guinness on a Mozart opera tour, also memorable for a brilliant story at an Armagh pub session. I briefly flirted with the idea of applying for the Skibbereen Philharmonic, undeterred by the fact that there isn’t one.

Binmenism

Nostalgia 1

A recent Long Read by Dan Hancox in the Guardian gets to the heart of our distinctive British malaise of nostalgia, trumpeted on the Memory Lane UK Facebook page. At the heart of this phenomenon are the “proper binmen” of yesteryear (cf. Lonnie Donegan):

To their admirers, proper binmen embody a lost postwar idyll—and the decline in national character can be seen in the appalling state of their modern-day counterparts, who are rotten in spirit, in character and in service. […]

Back then, in an unspecified period between 1950 and 1980, the binmen were stronger, more hardworking and more polite. Not just that—back then, the binmen were happy. Everyone remembers them the same way: always cheerful, always smiling, frequently whistling. They always had a kind word for you, never complained, and always closed the gate. They took pride in their job, which was hard work, but honest work. These judgments are delivered with absolute certainty. Back then, “They were always a really friendly crowd who you could have a good laugh with,” writes one commenter. “Not like the bin men of today, you are very lucky if they respond to a ‘good morning’.”

The historic shift in bin collection is taken to mark a wider crisis in masculinity. “That is when men were men, not the wimps we have today,” writes one Facebook commenter. “All be off work with PTSD nowadays,” chimes in another. Proper binmen “didn’t care about Health & Safety Shite”, writes another. The plastic wheelie bins we have today—with their emasculating pastels, often colour-coded for recycling, and their humiliating, labour-saving wheels—are just further markers of our moral, social and spiritual decline.

The supporting cast to proper binmen includes proper football man and proper Labour man. The key is noble suffering.

Stern voices have clamoured to remind us that being dangerously cold, being desperately poor and enduring powercuts, broken supply chains, food shortages and cold baths has happened to Britons before, and it would probably do us good, if anything, if it happened again.

Nostalgia 2

Among numerous other fetishes are

One pound notes. Queueing to use a phone box. Playing in the street and yelling “car!”. French cricket. Jam sandwiches. Scabby knees. Skipping. Coal fires. The slipper. The cane. The ruler. Getting a thick ear. Cumbersome lawnmowers. Ink wells. Duffle coats. Tin baths. Marbles. Jack Charlton. Forgetting your PE kit. Bus conductors. Bob-a-job week. Wooden ice-cream spoons. Snakes and Ladders. Ponchos. Beans on toast. Men opening doors for women. Slow dancing to Nat King Cole. Worzel Gummidge. Sweets by the ounce. Icicles hanging from the window frame (“Before central heating!”). Miss World (“All natural. Not a bit of botox in sight”). The power cuts of 1972–4 (“we coped, we were strong”). Scrubbing and polishing your front steps (“That’s when people had pride in where they lived”). Outdoor toilets. Cigarette machines. Flares. Playing in bombsites. Jumping in puddles.

The list could run and run—one might add cheery bus conductors, or the “innocent” sexism of Carry on films and “saucy” seaside postcards, for instance.

As Hancox notes, the rich and powerful profit from the philosophy of “We had it tough. We kept calm and carried on. We didn’t complain. We muddled through. We made do. We mended. It never did us any harm. It made us who we are”.

Underpinning this celebration of suffering is the masochistic idea that it is your individual responsibility—indeed an important test of your character—to withstand ruinous social and economic crises not of your making. […]

Elizabeth II herself was, we can reasonably assume from the tributes which followed her death, a proper Queen. Under the headline “The Queen’s 1950s frugality is key to our future”, one Times columnist praised her for being “naturally parsimonious”, personifying not obscene wealth and the plundered spoils of Empire, but the halcyon moment of High Binmenism, at some point in the 1950s, before the end of the Chatterley ban and the Beatles’ first LP. “In this age of Amazon Prime and Kim Kardashian-style super-rich spending, her frugality may seem quaint,” Alice Thomson wrote, “but it feels timely. As the cost of living crisis hits, everyone is looking for ways to cut back, taking a Thermos of coffee to work, eating leftovers for lunch and sewing on lost buttons.” That even a literal Queen has to be explained in this way suggests how deep Binmenism goes.

This indeed compounds our mystifying subservience to the monarchy.

Alongside their mission to excavate the rubble of the past, the Facebook nostalgia communities often pour scorn on the objects and rituals of today’s zeitgeist, in particular the damage done by technology. Computer games, smartphones, social media and TV are seen to create a disenchanted childhood, lacking in imagination, adventure and risk.

Still,

The vitality of the nostalgia industrial complex is a reminder of just how appealing it is to have your private reminiscences, buried memories, and hazy childhood images validated by others—whatever your age. It is a source of comfort to know you are not mistaken, that your version of your life’s story is shared. […]

Our gaze seems to inevitably turn backwards. The politics of the past few years abound with a desire for a return to an imagined, halcyon former version of Britain. This is true of both sides of the Brexit referendum; for remainers, there is often wistful talk of the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony or the New Labour period, while Brexiteers look back further into history.

Brexit, like the Memory Lane UK posts, partly speaks to an existential sadness about the passage of time and the desire for revenge on what we imagine it has done to us. You can only take back control if you have become convinced you once had it, and have had it torn from your grasp. […]

Stewart Lee delights in sending up the bendy bananas and Primeval Nothingness to which the Brexiteers long to return. Hancox goes on to cite William Davies on the way people who feel disenfranchised often find solace in nationalism:

The nationalist leader holds out the promise of restoring things to how they were, including all the forms of brutality—such as capital punishment, back-breaking physical work, patriarchal domination—that social progress had consigned to history. For reasons Freud would have understood, this isn’t as simple as wanting life to be more pleasurable, but a deep desire to restore a political order that made sense, in spite of its harshness. It is a rejection of progress in all its forms.

All this can shade into racist memes like attacking the toppling of statues, criticising BLM, and advocating for “proper” history to be taught “again”. At least the current “government” is doing its utmost to restore rationing and poverty—and the return of child chimney-sweeps would doubtless be popular in certain quarters (cf. The Haunted Pencil’s paean to “uplifting” food banks). Our relationship with the NHS, and the migrants who continue to make it work, is another much-discussed aspect of post-war British identity (succinctly, see e.g. this 2008 article).

Hancox cites an LSE report into class identity, which interviewed “successful TV producers, actors, and architects who all brushed aside their own private schooling, housing security, and material privilege to foreground a single grandparent who was a coal miner”.

But he also notes a more tolerant strain of humanist libertarianism, concluding:

It is not good enough to merely dismiss the Facebook nostalgics’ sepia-tinted version of history out of hand, if you care about Britain today. The proper binmen are living inside many of us, pulling our strings and guiding us not just down memory lane, but into the future.

Felicitous conjunctions

Unlike Keith Richards, the figures for my blog are not broken down by age and sex. But WordPress’s Stats do list posts by number of views for day, month, and year—giving rise to some felicitous conjunctions that are Grist to my Mill, recalling Unlikely bedfellows.

Recently I glanced at the daily list to find A tribute to Laurence Picken neck-and-neck with Cunk on Earth, and Taranta, poverty, and orientalism vying with French organ improvisation. In the November stats, Tchaik 6 finds itself sandwiched between Everyday life in a Syrian village and Aboriginal music. In the upper half of the league table for “All Time” views (sic: perhaps since the dawn of human civilisation, rather than the beginnings of life on earth),  Robert van Gulik occupies a respectable position that raises hopes of a Europa League place, but he’s pipped to the post by the Pearl and Dean jingle

Actually, such connections, like apparently random passengers stuck on the Orient Express in the snow, or indeed on the Northern Line, are kinda part of my Masterplan—I do indeed relish making bold leaps in my sequence of posts.

Cf. Global audiences, where viewings by country resemble an Olympic medals table. Hours of Harmless Fun for All the Family…

“Making a mistake” in Foreign

Blue kite stillFrom Blue kite (Tian Zhuangzhuang, 1993).

With “mistakes” (closely followed by denials—notably Brexit) having become routine under this evil Tory regime, I’m reminded that I’ve always been fond of the Italian sbaglio (verb sbagliare), with the appealingly economical negative prefix s- creating an expressive diphthong. Admittedly in this case a positive version baglio/bagliare is elusive, but it reminds me of other words equivalent to English dis-, such as

  • svantaggio disadvantage
  • sfiducia mistrust
  • scontento discontent
  • sfigato loser
  • scaricare unburden
  • sfiorire wither
  • disprezzo “disdain” (as in Moravia’s novel)
  • sprezzatura “studied nonchalance”
  • staccato detached
  • sforzando “with excessive force”—Beethoven’s speciality.

Like I’d know… A suitable aperitivo here is the negroni sbagliato (cf. the Lumumba and cubalibre).

Returning to “mistakes”: in British politics, “misjudgements” that have appalling social and economic consequences can now be casually brushed aside with a patrician air of disdain. In China,  however (as throughout the socialist bloc), “making a mistake” (fan cuowu 犯错误), a catch-all for political, sexual, and indeed clerical misdemeanours, is now used humorously—despite (or because of) its Maoist heritage, with the disastrous personal and familial consequences that could ensue from innocent infringements against the fluctuating political orthodoxy of the day, or entirely innocuous casual remarks—cf. Goulash deviationism, China: commemorating trauma, and movies such as Blue kite and Living. In documents from the Maoist era the term is a sparse hint of such faux pas, as under The Houshan Daoists, requiring us to read between the lines (see my review of the Anthology of the folk music of the Chinese peoples).

A grand slam

Bridge

Just for a change from Daoists, Mahler, and Turkish culture, here’s a delightful bridge challenge!

As you see in my note to Perfection is NOT the word for it, my skills on the baize are rudimentary, having been only modestly maintained on orchestral tours on the back of a bus, suitably lubricated by alcohol. By now I’m even more out of practice than usual, but among a wealth of such problems I find this one particularly charming. Like the abstract beauty of dhrupad, it’s an infinite world.

I can’t see the solution online, but after the opening spade lead from West (almost inevitable, one would think, though it’s the only lead that makes the grand slam possible!) all thirteen tricks must be won in dummy—to which end, declarer must first discard the ❤️A and K on the two opening spade tricks, and then discard all the top diamonds on dummy’s four heart tricks!

Wonderful, eh—pour me another gin…

A Tibetan childhood

*Part of my education in the history of modern Tibet*

Nulo cover

Since I reviewed Shawo Tsering’s “auto-narrative”, I’ve been reading

  • Naktsang Nulo, My Tibetan childhood: when ice shattered stone (English translation 2014, by Angus Cargill and Sonam Lhamo).

Nulo Tibetan cover Another account of the catastrophe that befell the Tibetan region of Amdo, it contains harrowing material of a kind only hinted at by Shawo Tsering (cf. When the iron bird flies).

Remarkably, the original, in Amdo Tibetan (title translated as “Joys and sorrows of the Naktsang boy“), was published in China “for internal distribution” in 2007, near the end of a relatively relaxed period in the region. It was soon pirated widely; versions were published in standard Tibetan by Tibetan exiles in India in 2008 and, in Chinese, in Taiwan three years later—by which time it had apparently been banned in the PRC.

As Robbie Barnett observes in his substantial and typically wise introduction,

As the first uncensored recollection published within Tibet of events erased by a half century of enforced forgetfulness, it epitomised the process of collective remembering that appears to have transformed and energised Tibetan cultural life at this time, fuelling a reemergent and potent sense of nationhood.

Outsiders had little access to the voices of ordinary Tibetans (especially those from the eastern regions) until the 1990s, when accounts of Amdo history since the 1950 Chinese occupation began to surface, led by Charlene Makley, Li Jianglin with Matthew Akester, and later by scholars such as Benno Weiner. Robbie also refers to other Tibetan accounts from the period when Naktsang Nulo’s memoir was published.

Amdo map
Northeastern Tibet, showing places and territories mentioned in the text,
with routes taken by the author to Lhasa, fleeing the Chinese army, and on march to prison.

It’s always important to bear in mind the usages of the word “Tibet”—as ever, Robbie gives a cogent account:

Today, in the era of nation-states, single terms for the whole area are much more in vogue, and the northeastern part of the Tibetan plateau is now referred to by Tibetans most frequently as Amdo, while the name Kham is used for the eastern and southeastern areas. Amdo and much of Kham were not consistently ruled by Lhasa after about 1700, although in brief periods up until the 1930s the Tibetan army was able to regain control of one or other border zone in Kham. In this period most of the numerous localities, chiefdoms, and so on within Amdo and Kham fell under the administration of the western Chinese provinces of Sichuan, Qinghai, Gansu, and Yunnan. But Chinese rule in these Tibetan areas was largely nominal until sometime in the late 1950s, as Naktsang demonstrates in his book.

As he explains, exiles and their supporters now commonly use the word “Tibet” to refer to the entire Tibetan snow-land as a political unit, one that was ruled in the past by a single administration. Ironically, by the late 1950s, “facing the experience of invasion, many eastern Tibetans reverted to a probably half-forgotten or perhaps half-invented memory of political unity”.

There are thus at least three Tibets—one recognised by China as the administrative area ruled by the Dalai Lamas until 1950 and limited to the western and central parts of the plateau, another referring to the common cultural and historic heritage found throughout the plateau, and a third implying a single political entity covering all the Tibetan areas. […]

Whether intended or not, the moral logic of his memoir implies a sense of common purpose among Tibetans, irrespective of their location on the plateau, fuelled by their similar experience of Chinese policies in the 1950s.

Robbie reminds us of the seminal importance of Amdo in Tibetan religion, economy, and literature (see e.g. chapters in Conflicting memories).

Born in 1949 in Chugama village in Machu county, Ganlho Prefecture, just east of the Golok region in south Gansu, Naktsang Nulo spent most of his childhood in nearby Chumarleb county, in Yushu (Jyekundo) prefecture of Qinghai province. The memoir describes his early life until he entered school in 1959. For most of his later career he was based in Chumarleb, serving until his retirement in 1993 as an official in the Chinese government, with successive positions as schoolteacher, police officer, judge, prison official, and county leader.

Robbie identifies the significance of the book—in particular the impact of the PLA’s arrival in the area, “the first time that Tibetans there had experienced administration by outsiders at the grassroots level”.

It reinserts long-erased memories into the knowledge bank of younger generations in his community, who until now have had severely limited access to information about their past. And it gives an account, in all senses, of the costs of China’s initial state-building project in Tibetan areas a half century ago: with little comment or condemnation, it records the price paid in lives and lifestyles by the author’s family and community for their incorporation into modern China. It also serves for outsiders as a vivid reminder that events, even those involving widespread atrocities and occurring at pivotal moments in a nation’s history, can be removed from the record in the aftermath of nation-building, lost in the waves of deliberate erasure, ideological preference, and state-driven selectivity that take place at such times.

He contrasts exile Tibetan and Chinese historiography:

The Tibetan version involved much eliding of their complex relations with China in the past, as well as of stark inequities in their social system, while the Chinese narrative involved overlooking Tibet’s history of separate governance, its largely autochthonous cultural and social evolution, and earlier forms of obvious national spirit and belief. These forms of forgetfulness were not equivalent: the Tibetan exiles promoted their version through propaganda and persuasion, often with endorsement from the work of foreign scholars, while the Chinese version of history was implemented more or less coercively. […]

Naktsang Nulo’s memoir provided an account of history that undermined to some extent the versions told by both sides. It did this not by making any statements about Tibet’s political status in the past but by telling that story with some degree of nuance and complexity.

And he elaborates:

My Tibetan Childhood thus represents a moment of coalition between two generations. The older Tibetans, schooled in the necessary arts of silence by their witnessing of numerous state-inflicted deaths and punishments in earlier years, looked across Naktsang’s narrative toward the younger generation, already energised by a growing awareness of a distinctive cultural and religious heritage that seemed to them endangered. The story that it told seemed to say, though not in so many words, that there was a substantive historical basis for the sense of loss and deprivation, and for the feeling that a future had been denied, implicit in the dissatisfactions expressed among Tibetans in the Amdo area, as in Lhasa too, after the turn of the millennium. Before Naktsang’s book appeared, the only knowledge that could have given substantial basis for such ideas would probably have been largely limited to private conversations, smuggled exile propaganda, and ambiguous pop songs about unity, long-lost friends, and separation from one’s homeland. With its patient, detailed, uneditorialised accounting of historical atrocities, seemingly inflicted without reason or explanation by an outside force fifty years earlier, Naktsang’s book provided an intellectual foundation for thoughts and emotions already circulating within his community, a story of the past that made sense of those emotions. […]

In many senses, it is a naive story, the chronicle of a world seen through a child’s eyes. But to readers within Tibet, it was a revelation. It told of epochal events that had rarely if ever been described before in print, and it used a style and approach that ignored the conventions and requirements of history writing in China, let alone in its Tibetan regions.

Thus his child’s perspective is “free of the rituals and requirements of socialist writing practices”. Presented as a story about a boy’s wish to return to his home, the book seems to downplay political messages.

The words “China,” “the Party,” “Communism,” and “policy” are not found in the text. Even the place-names Gansu and Qinghai do not appear, although the action takes place within those provinces; it is as if they have no meaning or significance for the author. There is no reference to class, local lords are not described as feudal, the Tibetan administration in Lhasa is not referred to as a “local government,” exploitation and abuse are criticised in moral terms but not politically, and the concepts of oppression and liberation are not invoked. […]

The teacher in charge of the “Joyful Home” tells the author, “Thanks to our leader, Mao Zedong, we have enough to eat and drink,” just before the famine starts, and again, after the famine has concluded, when the same teacher announces to those who have survived, “Thanks to Chairman Mao Zedong, we will have rice soup to drink, starting tomorrow”. There is no hint as to whether these profoundly grotesque statements should be considered ironic, innocent, forced, or tragic, or even if they should be judged at all. Political terminology has been removed from the text along with judgment, separating it from the body of public writing about history in China. This is thus a book in which what is not said about the past is as important as what is declared.

For more, note Xénia de Heering, “Re-remembering the day ‘times turned around’: the arrival of ‘Chinese soldiers’ at Chukhama in 1958”, Chapter 10 of Barnett, Weiner, and Robin (eds), Conflicting memories: Tibetan history under Mao retold (2020).

* * *

As Robbie notes,

There was clearly little if any presence of Chinese or Hui forces in the author’s area before 1958, even though the PLA had taken over Qinghai nine years earlier, and in most ways people in the nomad areas still ruled themselves.

Naktsang’s early life in his nomad community was permeated by encounters with Buddhist monasteries and lamas. As the family made a 1,500-mile pilgrimage over six months to and from Lhasa, Naktsang gives

an unusually frank impression of life in Lhasa and central Tibet, where the Golok pilgrims are shocked by scenes of utter destitution and by forms of corporal punishment that even they, no strangers to punitive violence, appear to consider extraordinarily brutal.

But on their return, just as he was becoming a monk at the Chugama monastery, his father was arrested by the vindictive head of discipline there and subjected to 1,500 lashes “for what seems to have been a breach of etiquette”.

Until around 1956 the PLA troops were still considered “relatively benign”; when Naktsang was taken to see the Panchen Lama on another pilgrimage to Labrang monastery, it was a PLA soldier who helped him receive a blessing (this was the very Panchen Lama who in 1962 denounced the desperate circumstances of Tibetans in his native Amdo).

But by 1958 tensions were escalating rapidly, and the story becomes ever more harrowing. Back in Chuguma again, a local army was formed to protect the community from the PLA. As Naktsang’s father told him:

Everyone in our chiefdom went to the army as the chiefs ordered. Men over 15 and under 60 have been sent to Sogpo. Our army has already driven out the Chinese land surveyors and killed at least 100 soldiers. But a few days ago all the lamas and chiefs in Tsu were arrested secretly by the Chinese. All the monasteries in the Achong Lhade chiefdom have been destroyed. I heard that about 500 Chinese troops are marching to attack us, and they’ll probably be here tomorrow.”

Recalling his experiences at Labrang, young Naktsang can’t envisage the threat:

I had seen the Liberation Army many times before, when we were staying at Labrang monastery. They had given us beans and candy, and smiled at us as they marched past. Because of that, I had no fear of walking near the soldiers. When the troops arrived at the line of monks, all of them were given darkhas. They applauded in return and handed the darkhas back to the tulkus and lamas.

But as the PLA occupied Chugama, arresting the principal lamas and tulkus, people realised how grave the situation was. As resistance was crushed, in detailed chapters Naktsang tells how the locals were intimidated into destroying their own precious monastery. He now embarked with his father in a group of twelve monks and laymen, including several teenagers (Naktsang was only 10), on another pilgrimage to Lhasa—this time in search of refuge from the Chinese invaders. On their perilous journey they learned of further Chinese atrocities, and were fearful that Lhasa might be in the midst of similar destruction. Along the way they fought off PLA troops; but Naktsang’s father died after being wounded, and the others were forced to surrender.

The final section, “Torture and imprisonment, starvation and survival”, tells of the consequences of that failed flight over the following year, as Naktsang and those around him were integrated into the dominance of the Chinese state.

Nulo Chumarleb

In captivity he was taken under the wing of the kindly lamas Ganden Wula and Sera Lama (“Ganden Wula is respected by the Chinese. He’ll be able to chant rituals—they’ll let him.”). They were taken back to Chumarleb in a group of about 300 prisoners, roped together in lines of six. On the way, in reprisal, Chinese troops cajoled the local crowd into beating the two lamas to death along with four of their followers.

When they arrived at Chumarleb they were thrown into a hole in the prison yard—one of nine such holes, each containing about four hundred prisoners. Five or six died every day. As famine further intensified their desperation (for the appalling devastation in the PRC, see this roundup), after 18 hellish days Naktsang and his older brother were released, staying briefly in the nearby town before starting school, consisting of large tents housing around a thousand children—most of whose parents had been arrested.

The school still apparently functioned quite normally over Chinese [sic] New Year, but three months later food supplies dwindled severely; as they resorted to eating leather and sheepskin, people began to die. Those from erstwhile wealthy families succumbed more quickly; poor children like Naktsang, more capable of fending for themselves, had to dispose of the corpses. Within three months, only fifty-three children remained from over a thousand, and only ten old people from six hundred.

Nulo 1959
This is the book’s only image from the period described in the memoir;
other illustrations show archive photos of Amdo and Lhasa from before the Chinese occupation.

As the famine eased, Naktsang found some of his recently-released fellow prisoners, who took him to herd sheep and calves at the grazing commune where they had been released. On 30th December 1959 he became a student at Chumarleb County School. He ends the book innocuously and astutely:

Now we have grown up and are able to practice our religion and dedicate prayers to him. We are also certain that we will have the chance to return to our native land, and all our relatives will greet us.

Nulo and brother 2012
Naktsang Nulo (right) with his older brother Japé, 2012. Photo: Xénia de Heering.

* * *

In his introduction Robbie Barnett updates the story:

In 2013, five years after his book was published, [Naktsang] wrote a column that spoke out for the first time about the wave of immolations that had swept across Tibet. It was unprecedented in its explicitness. […] We can now see him not as an autobiographer who dared to speak about the past or an intellectual who speaks truth to power but as a strategic communicator and conciliator, an ex-official who pioneered unique pathways by which to negotiate the contours and crevices of the state system in the quest to widen public debate and understanding on topics never previously allowed. Where he had used the convention of childish innocence to enable the act of public recollection, he now uses concession to others’ values to plead for moderation in policy. A project that began as a handing down of the past to coming generations has become a quiet search for ways to nurture a thinking Tibetan public, rich with knowledge of its history as well as of its responsibilities and limitations.

Mahler 9 live!!!

*For an introduction to my whole series on Mahler, with links, click here!*

Mahler 9 concert

Mahler 9 is always deeply moving in concert (I’ve just revised my original post). Last weekend I went to hear the Concertgebouw orchestra playing it under Daniel Harding at the Barbican (reviewed here).

I’ve eventually got used to the Barbican: having negotiated the surrounding concrete jungle, the layout of the hall (at least from the stalls) has a personal feel. And rather than being subjected to the crass materialism of an expensive programme booklet with its glossy ads, we can consult notes online. Better still, just listen

The Concertgebouw has a venerable tradition of performing Mahler; they gave the Dutch premiere of the 9th with Mengelberg in 1918, and it was a core part of their repertoire with Haitink. The relationship continues under Daniel Harding.

Mahler’s most monumental symphonies often stand alone, but some conductors such as S-Simon and Salonen (see under The art of conducting) like to precede them with a suitably challenging overture. So the concert opened with the UK premiere of Rick van Velhuizen’s mais le corps taché d’ombres for harp and strings.

In Mahler 9 the orchestra sounded just fabulous, a perfectly blended ensemble. Though, remarkably, there were a few empty seats (I mean, I love Strictly, but really…), after a long, reverent silence the performance inevitably got a standing ovation. Never miss an opportunity to hear the symphony!

Mahler 9 end

Lest you suppose I’m carried away by Western Art Music (as indeed I am), it’s still worth consulting What is serious music?!.

More gems from Cambridge sinology

CHC

Apart from feeling mildly guilty at defecting from Tang history, another spinoff of my current decluttering is rediscovering random notes from my time editing and indexing volumes of The Cambridge History of China. I’ve already listed some jocular citations from Han and Tang history, so here’s a sequel with gems that I may not have sneaked into the indexes.

Vol.1:

derivative ideas 693
gibberish 692–3
no-ado 693
nudism 833
Other, A.N., as consort of Wu-ti 174
pedantry, academic 758
reality: Hsün Yue criticises 806
supreme nothing, spiritual nothing 839

Vol. 3:

An Lushan the Man
beauty, no harem
cleavage
climax, early
horse-dung
Liang, Later dynasty; Liang, Even Later dynasty
nincompoop, feckless
nonentity, pliant
obsequiousness
riff-raff
wife, monopoly tax

* * *

Maspero

Meanwhile, here are some out-takes from my index to the 1981 English translation of Henri Maspero’s Taoism and Chinese religion:

Divine Man
euhemerism, naïve
Eating Filthy Things
forgetting the body
hairdressers
Heavenly Kitchen
heavy breathing
ho-ho
hot breath
knitting, spontaneous
latrines
massage
orgies
Purple Dame
pustules
sitting down and losing consciousness
Transcendent Pig
vermin, buried in

* * *

I also discovered some more drôle pronouncements on Tang music—we can probably hazard a guess at their author:

“Secular, amnesic, notational dyslexia in the reading of post-13th century flute notations of Tōgaku pieces”

—apparently “people forgetting how to play old scores”:

Perhaps this was a piece in which interest was quickly lost, a piece picked up as an item of temporary fashionable interest, but for which no interest remained after the Chinese court itself had lost interest following the An Lushan rebellion.

Giggle we may, but this was just the kind of analytical detail on the Tang repertoire that I found so fruitful—in the days before my epiphany among the peasants of dusty north China villages.

Nature makes regular guest appearances:

The process occurs, however, no matter what the fermented vegetable substrata may be; and the title is not to be regarded necessarily as referring to wine from fermented grape-juice.

And

There can be no gainsaying the powerful atropaeic significance of the wild duck in East Asian folk belief.

On my penchant for wacky indexes, see The joys of indexing; Lexicon of musical invective; and my draft index to Nicolas Robertson’s outstanding series of anagram tales. For my early spoofs on Tang poetry (“precocious signs of the pointless inanity that was to distinguish my later writings”), click here. And do read Denis Twitchett’s informed spoof on An Lushan, and the faqu series (under A Tang mélange).

Some recent *MUST READ* posts

Cetegories

The *MUST READ* category in the sidebar directs you to some of my more worthwhile posts whose topics deserve to be savoured and shared.

Here’s a selection from recent entries, on a variety of themes:

  • The sceptical feminist, Janet Radcliffe Richards’ 1980 masterpiece, argued with dispassionate philosophical clarity, and still highly relevant despite some period features
  • Some Kurdish bards: politics, gender, and heritagification—epic tales of love and war, plangent kilam laments, with some fine recordings, archive and recent
  • Ogonek and Til—for fans of language, tennis, and fado! Wacky diacritics and nasal vowels in Polish and Portuguese—with matching limericks, and a bonus entry for Gran visits York….

  • Bach in an empty forest: a mesmerising mile-long xylophone in a Japanese forest, the wonders of a Bach cantata, Myra Hess’s wartime National Gallery concerts, and Takemitsu’s early alienation from Japanese musical traditions
  • Dream a little dream: interesting as it is to listen to earlier and later renditions, Cass Elliott’s 1968 version is enthralling—with the most radiant modulation ever!

  • The kiosk in Turkey and Europe: late-Ottoman mansions in Istanbul—the ancien régime, a haunted house, women’s changing status under the Republic, and shanty-town migrants; followed by some European kiosks, with cameos from The fast show and The third man
  • Mahler: a roundup!!! The definitive voice of our age—the symphonies, as well as chamber versions, and piano rolls; quintuplets and major 7ths; Alma and Anna
  • Ray Man, pioneer of Chinese musicking in London: social and musical change in the UK, Hong Kong, and mainland China—with homages to the Cantonese music scene and the early days of Ronnie Scott’s in Gerard street.

I’ve grouped these posts in the form 3+2+3, in the hope of encouraging you to revisit my post on aksak additive metres!

For an earlier list, click here.

Tickety-boo

India
Source.

While emojis like 👍 and ❤️ have partly relieved us of the necessity to create new verbal expressions for approval, one may feel a certain nostalgia for bygone expressions like spiffing, ripping, top-notch, hunky-dory, and tickety-boo.

While the quaintness of such jovial expressions harks back to a broader class-base than the world of Jeeves and Wooster, I suppose they are now usually heard on the lips of a rather educated latter-day generation, with varying degrees of post-modern irony—including both rabid bendy-banana nostalgists and the “Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati”

The origin of tickety-boo is unclear. Though there doesn’t seem to be a written example before 1939, it appears to go back at least to the early 1920s—probably RAF slang, perhaps a combination of “that’s the ticket” (early 18th century) and “peek-a-boo” (or at least “boo”).

But there’s also a suggestive derivation from Hindi ṭhīk hai, bābūit’s all right, sir. * This would make it one of a whole host of words adapted from Indian languages, popularised by way of the British empire (cf. Hidden heritage).

This elliptical first draft for a film script conjures up a picturesque gathering, setting the scene before introducing the host and his guests, their sporting pastimes followed by a sumptuous buffet:

Dinghy and catamaran on atoll; loot thug in choky. Cushy veranda of jungle bungalow (lacquered teak, calico palanquin, juggernaut; chintz cot, patchouli): Blighty mogul (mandarin) in pukka cashmere pyjamas.
[The guests arrive:]
Lilac cummerbunds (doolally!), khaki dungarees, pashmina (shawl), bangles with bandanas. Jodhpurs for polo and cheetah gymkhana.
Tiffin (kedgeree with chutney) and tank of punch; candy and cheroot—tickety-boo!

Cf. the Venetian language, Some unlikely Turkish vocabulary, and The kiosk in Turkey and Europe. And do relish Nicolas Robertson’s remarkable anagram tales! The linguistic reversals of Armstrong and Miller are also very drôle—see Textual scholarship, OMG.


* An alternative derivation from French, offered in the wiktionary entry, is also attractive: ce que t’es beau (“how beautiful you are”). Cf. “toodeloo”, said to be a corruption of tout a l’heure—even more quaint is toodle-pip.

Some unlikely Turkish vocabulary

4

From my plethora of posts on west and central Asia over the last year, you gather I’ve been spending lengthy periods in Istanbul. However, I seem to have obstinately resisted making any effort to acquire even the most basic language skills, like a sunburned expat wolfing chips on the Costa de Sol.

Ageing Weirdo’s Hard Drive Full

Entirely unsullied by grammar, my Turkish vocabulary is not just paltry but a tad selective. These gnomic vignettes, containing virtually my entire lexicon, are unlikely to feature in a phrase-book of essential items for the traveller (cf. That is the snake that bit my foot):

fal, manav (lokma), ezan, iskele (akbil!)—köşk sema (Aşik Sucu)—zurna, kanun

This (notional) scribbled schedule reminds me that after a coffee-reading * I have to drop in at the grocer’s to pick up some fruit offerings—coinciding with the call to prayer—and not to forget to take my travel card before boarding the ferry, en route for the belvedere to attend a ritual dance led by the celebrated dervish water-seller, and then to shop for a shawm and a zither.

Yet somehow such unpromising ventures result in a two-volume magnum opus (“bawdy swaggering outrageous best-seller“—The Istanbul Bugle), a commentary to the recluse’s stammering discourse on the Divine Love of Sufi mysticism:

Inziva aşk kekelemek muhabbet (çifte kitap).

For my deluded later ambitions of making progress with learning Turkish, click here. See also my roundups of Language learning (notably Nick Robertson’s ingenious exegesis of arcane anagram tales) and Wacky headlines.


* Like Chinese dundian (stay at a selected grass-roots unit to help improve its work and gain firsthand experience for guiding overall work”), fal is another of those succinct words whose English definition might be somewhat laborious: “fortune-telling by means of interpreting the grounds at the bottom of a cup of coffee”…

Some non-Daoists

Daoism and Zen have long made trendy, exotic tags to subsume various activities, or non-activities.

Some volumes, like The Tao of Pooh, are pleasantly tongue-in-cheek, with a certain underlying value; and I’m partial to evoking Zen myself in the magic of Rozhdestvensky and Ronnie O’Sullivan. But nothing beats a startling recent letter to the FT:

Daoist letter

This preposterous idea had already been expounded in a 2020 review of The crown. So on behalf of the Wisdom of the Mystic East, I feel obliged to state the bleedin’ obvious: if you’re the Queen, then waving and shaking hands while wearing a hat and liking horses really doesn’t count as Being a Daoist. Just because British law prevented Queenie from wielding any influence on government, the fact that inaction was central to her “success” doesn’t make her a Daoist Sage Ruler, FFS. Like, hello?

“The sovereign must be empty of all desire, all thought, and all intentionality […]. A person without qualities, they offer no hold to others, for they are nothing but the mirror reflecting nothingness.” These precepts are oddly reminiscent of the Royal Family’s lifestyle.

OK… so we’ve been queueing overnight in the rain to pay homage to a person without qualities…

Freed from mundane worries (like affording the weekly shop, finding the rent, catching the rush-hour bus to a poorly-paid job, or struggling to book tickets for a budget holiday with the kids), One can put One’s feet up and watch Eastenders over a G&T in the knowledge that One will continue raking it in (helped by a creative accountant and valuable contacts) without having to do a day’s work in One’s entire life.

JRM
Another non-Daoist—“the physical embodiment of arrogance, entitlement,
disrespect, and contempt for our parliament”. See also Tory iniquity: a roundup.

Boris on beachSadly, we perhaps need to list some other pastimes that don’t necessarily qualify for the status of “Daoist”:

  • Hanging around on a street corner with a fag dangling from your mouth
  • Pottering around in the garden (with some noble exceptions)
  • Sunbathing on holiday (even while serving as a government minister).

Cf. “I didn’t know we ’ad a king—I thought we were an autonomous collective”. For the Brexit ideal of nothingness, see Stewart Lee.

Beethoven’s melodic gift—yeah right

Beethoven wasn’t big on tunes; but melody wasn’t really the point.

In some ways we might see him as a precursor of minimalism. Too young to know any better, I immersed myself in his music through my teens; but later I tended to steer clear of his music, with honourable exceptions like the late quartets (and now the late E major piano sonata). For the thoughtful Susan McClary, he’s the supreme perpetrator of sexual violence in music.

To be fair, the 7th symphony is exhilarating, both to play and to listen to—DO bask in Carlos Kleiber‘s performance! As I comment in a note there, it seems unlikely that Wagner’s authority for calling the symphony “the apotheosis of the dance” was based on years as a regular on the Bayreuth clubbing scene.

The 1st movement eventually gets going with a wacky motif (the mot juste) on flutes:

B7 flute
My idea of a tune, by L. Beethoven *
(aka “A stack of poppadoms”—cf. Berlioz)—
not to be confused with Taco taco taco burrito or Papa papa papa papa papapa

Beethoven clearly reckons he’s onto something here, as he wastes no opportunity to repeat it, sometimes even on a different note (YAY! And again, yes I know that’s the point…). In the coda, after the bass section treats us to ten more bars of it, against a deep pedal point on E they start grinding away on a chromatic motif (now using all of three notes—I say, steady on!) (cf. Unpromising chromaticisms), like a dog with a bone:

B7 ostinato

OK, this whole build-up is glorious…

Even in the slow movement, Beethoven holds out against giving us a Proper Tune (Viola Grade 8—cf. Viola jokes and maestro-baiting):

B7 slow

The Plain People of Ireland: Begob—this composing lark, it’s a doddle

The finale is obsessive too—without venturing too far into the art of conducting, Kleiber is exhilarating, highlighting its mechanical drive without making it seem too brutal. It opens with more minimalism from the hapless basses:

B7 finale

The violin, um, theme that it accompanies does have a lot of notes (progress), but unless conductors go to considerable lengths to adjust the balance, Beethoven’s instrumentation often drowns out the melody with manic off-beat sforzandi:

B7 finale violin

More unlikely chromaticism from the basses (another pedal point in the service of an exhilarating climax):

B7 finale bass 2

The symphony, built around ostinati, might be considered a response to the mechanization of the Industrial Revolution—returning to Wagner and clubbing, maybe it’s the apotheosis of the techno garage trance dance. But for a really funky ostinato, how about Herbie Hancock?

I must confess that my musical examples above are no more successful in encapsulating Beethoven’s genius than were the Bolton Choral Society in summarising Proust

I’m very fond of the story about the opening bar of Beethoven’s violin concerto; just as drôle are his Wimbledon debut (“the second tune, which Beethoven said on his arrest was ‘just a harmless bit of fun’…”) and Creative tribulations. And do listen to PDQ Bach’s stimulating take on the 1st movement of Beethoven 5!

For an enchanting antidote, see Dream a little dream


* On a technical note, this rhythm can easily slip from

B7 rhythm right
into

B7 rhythm wrong

In my experience, even with experienced orchestras this can catch on quite often; it’d be interesting to listen out for how often this happens in performances and recordings.