Last week David Cameron was keen to remind us that the current rabble of Tory ministers doesn’t enjoy a monopoly on venality, duplicity, and incompetence. As he reflected on his informal consultancy role for Greensill, stimulated entirely by a desire to help people [Yeah right], he offered some useful tips for alleged gang members politely requested to attend a hearing. Some handy expressions:
I accept that no matter how laudable the motives and cause, [nailing people’s heads to the floor] can be open to misinterpretation.
The amount I stood to gain is a private matter. I don’t recall exactly… I haven’t got a complete record of how many times [I used the private jet].
I take a different view. I was motivated by how to help small businesses.
There are great advantages to be had from technical innovation [just look at chainsaws].
My threats communications were not excessive or a distraction.
[Mugging old ladies] was an honest mistake. I have spent most of my adult life in “public service”. I believe in it deeply [sincere face]. I would never put forward something that I didn’t believe was absolutely in the interests of the public good.
I welcome this enquiry and the related reviews. I am as keen as anyone to learn the lessons.
Dodgy Dave’s turn may remind us of the old Piranha brothers sketch:
Interviewer: I’ve been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.
[pause] Oh yeah, he did that.
Well he had to, didn’t he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
What had you done?
Er… well he didn’t tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and that’s good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he didn’t want to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He’d do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
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The blessings of education… For Cameron’s equally creative successor, see Get a proper speech impediment, FFS. And Priti “I’m sorry if people feel that there have been failings [I’m a heartless cynical monster]” Patel has been getting in on the act too!