Where the Isle of Wight goes, Britain will follow
[into poorly-equipped care homes]

Even now a hand-written letter is Winging its Way to No.10 from the Isle of Wight:

Most Mighty and Supreme Helmsman, [1]
I am so glad to learn that you have recovered from your recent ordeal. [2] It must have been mortifying for you to have to come into contact with all those darkies. [3] I am sure you will soon be able to send ’em all packing again—back to Bongo-Bongo Land where they belong, eh! [4]

Jolly good show about the new arrival, too, Pitter Patter of Tiny Feet eh. Perhaps you will be able to remember this one—although a mnemonic might come in handy, like one of these new-fangled “passwords” [5] they have nowadays.

Meanwhile, I am most grateful for your latest directive, by which I shall endeavour to abide. Alexander Graham Bell was prophetic! However, kindly clarify:

• How do you mean, an “app”?
• How do you mean, “download”?
• What might “Bluetooth” be When It’s At Home (as it should be, like other Responsible Citizens), and however might one “enable” it? Will it still work with dentures?
• How do you mean, “mobile phone”? Does it resemble my stairlift at all?

I enclose what I believe is known as a “selfie”—I trust the stain will dry out.

Oh well, at least we’ve got our bendy bananas back at last! Rule Britannia!

With obsequious, nay deluded, gratitude—in eager anticipation of your guidance,

I trust I shall have the honour to remain your humble servant,

Brigadier General Gervaise Brook-Hamster, D.S.O. [6]

sent via Basildon Bond with Parker pen
[Whatever happened to quill and vellum?—The Haunted Pencil]

Editor’s notes
[1] Better known by his formal names, diligently chronicled by his faithful amanuensis Stewart Lee.
[2] Again, the Brezhnev joke comes to mind.
[3] Cf. the infamous Paul Foot story.
[4] For historical perspective, see They come over ‘ere… and the above-mentioned Stewart Lee on the UKIPs.
[5] Cf. the Snow White joke.
[6] Dick Shot Off.

See also Replies from the Complaints Department. And note the priceless musings of elderly Ukrainian women pondering the “Internet”.