Call me irreverent (cf. The sermon, and We are miserable sinners), but Jesus jokes can be entertaining. There’s a plethora of websites, so here I’ll stick to some of my more niche favourites. Even last-supper jokes are a whole sub-genre—here’s an audio variant:
For a feminist version, click here.
Apart from his brilliant anagram tales, my talented friend Nick, living in Lisbon, has a nice little number going with football reports featuring Jesus, coach of Sporting (as the team is ingenuously called). Among pithy headlines that Nick has spotted are
Jesus pays homage to his Father
and the brilliant
Jesus is very happy with his eleven
(Judas clearly relegated to the bench there—hinting he wants a transfer).
Despite his health travails, Nick has managed to update me. Receiving a head-butt à la Zidane,
Jesus wants out fast
and helpfully (Pontius Pilate please note) *
Jesus is willing to be flexible in negotiations
Note also Nick’s sequel, Jesus of Benfica.
Such is the warm British welcome for foreigners [only joking] that we can play this game too. Moving onto the Brazil forward, I enjoyed this Guardian headline** that appeared but briefly online—all the more apt since it was Holy Week:
Jesus restores some pride after thrashing
When he took a penalty for Man City against Burnley goalkeeper Nick Pope:
Pope saves from Jesus
and one always waits for this one to come up:
Jesus hits woodwork
This one is no less classic for being fabricated:
Jesus saves—but Rooney scores from the rebound
As to Arsenal’s young star, I’m keen to get this headline in early:
Jesus Set to Make Comeback at Easter
Indeed, he shone on Easter Day, despite some, um, close marking from Liverpool:
Jesus Takes a Beating but Rises Again for Easter (cf. this article, and my sequel)
And the celebrated Victorian tombstone:
He fell asleep in Jesus
to which has been added
and woke up in a siding in Crewe
Gay comedians naturally warm to the theme. Simon Amstell (Help, p.80):
I’m not an atheist. I’m a big fan of Jesus Christ, there’s nobody more thin and vulnerable than Jesus Christ.
And David Sedaris (for whom see also here, and here):
And he always has a fantastic body, shown at its best on the cross, which—face it—was practically designed to make a man’s stomach and shoulders look good.
Not to be outdone, Beatrice Dalle is available for seminars on the history of religion:
I love Christ because he invented bondage.
No trawl through the archives would be complete without Family guy, where Jesus is a regular Special Guest Star, such as:
I must confess [sic] that there are already several related posts on this blog—Chumleys vinegar, more from Alan Bennett (WWJD, feet, and the Christmas card), the Matthew Passion incident, and so on. If you consult the latter post, we can all end with a resounding chorus of Always look on the bright side of life. For “blasphemy”, see also Patricia Lockwood.
In my defence, Daoist jokes are also a niche source of entertainment, like the train deity (also featuring Moses) or the “switch off the light” story. [Call that a defence?—Ed.]
* Pilate plays a cameo role in my post on Laozi.
** For another fine Guardian football headline, see here; for Daoist football and gender, here.
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