Don’t get me wrong, I’m glued to Strictly come dancing every week. Oh yeah, I’ve got my finger on the pulse of popular culture all right [adjusts monocle, grappling ineptly with concept of the high-five]. I was mortified in 2015 when Georgia didn’t win:
Or indeed Alexandra this year… But hey, “It’s not winning but taking part”, eh [zzzzz].
As with Handel opera, or a Moroccan wedding, you just have to suspend your disbelief. Sure, as Barbara Ellen notes in a fine review, Strictly proved yet again
that it understood its own winning formula—drown the contestants in a vat of fake tan and what a cynic might term even faker bonhomie, and let the controversy and sequins fly. […] A sugar-rush of schmaltz combined with a brawl on the entertainment deck of a cruise ship…
But for me it’s classic BBC “educate, inform and entertain” stuff—inculcating diligence, expression, and appreciation of historical style (!), with the pros and the judges vouchsafing us little dollops of technical advice. For all the fatuous clichés of the competitive format, Strictly can be inspiring and deeply moving. So there.
Still, my question is this:
However were we all conned into thinking that a genre that seemed pathetically antiquated even in the early 1960s could possibly achieve such wild popular success in the 21st century?
This baffling device of prefixing an unlikely and outmoded format with an utterly random adverb gives me an idea whose time has surely come:
Strictly north Shanxi Daoist ritual
After all, Daoist bands have long been used to ritual competition, “facing platforms”. In my film (from 24.08) my use of karaoke captions for the percussion mnemonics makes an instructive innovation that draws us into a crucial element of ritual performance. And we’ve just had “The Reverend Richard Coles” on Strictly, so hey. My new programme concept has got everything from the original—a grand ritual arena, movement, costumes, music…
Admittedly, even with a minimum of six ritual bands contesting, each performing a different ritual segment for each programme (Presenting Offerings, the Invitation, Beholding the Lanterns, and so on), the weekly programme would require at least four hours—and the nocturnal yankou ritual alone takes longer than that. Still, BBC ratings will doubtless soar.
Coming up next—we’ve got Du Zhimin’s band all the way from Guangling, performing the Ambulating Incense ritual!!!
I’ll be delighted if the drôle Claudia Winkleman will host the new show. As to
the fragrant Darcey Bussell [surely an anagram, e.g. “Recall Debussy”—cf. Gran visits York] is always welcome (how can anyone be so elegant and savvy and still be English?). And now that the great Li Manshan is ceding much of his ritual work to his son Li Bin, he seems the ideal choice as chair of the judges.
Some quotes from the panel:
Darcey [purring]: “Oh MY! I have to say, just make sure you grade that accelerando in Yellow Dragon Thrice Transforms its Body just a bit more carefully.”
Bruno [does pirouette]: “Bellissimo! But you still need to work on your posture, dahling.”
Li Manshan [dragging on fag], in unison with Craig: “That was chaotic!”
And the scores are in…
I look forward eagerly to discussions with the BBC. 
Another Daoist-ritual spin-off might be to adapt the brilliant “One song to the tune of another” from I’m sorry I haven’t a clue. One recent fave was Jan Ravens singing the words of I can’t get no satisfaction to the tune of Wouldn’t it be loverly, but here’s Barry Cryer:
The Daoist version might go something like this:
*Tedious footnote: at least in Yanggao vocal liturgy, these two items are in fact quite closely related (my book, pp.267–8, 274–5)—so less than suitable. Scope for exploration here, though.
Such impertinent fantasies, if not for purists, are at least more frankly ironic than the kitsch commodifications from the Intangible Cultural Heritage (see under “The reform era” here).
 Inexplicably, I still await a reply from the BBC to my initial pitch, Strictly Albanian Dentistry—where peasants attired in colourful traditional costumes have just a week to learn a series of intricate procedures such as implants and root-canal treatments. For another money-spinner of mine, see here.